Golf tragedy

Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing
he realizes that his wife Mary is teeing up on the Red Tees
directly in his way. Unable to stop his swing he nails it and
hits her directly in the temple and kills her instantly.

A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding
her autopsy.

Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt
force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and
hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"

Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt"

Joe: "Was it a Titleist Three?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was"

Joe: "That was my mulligan"

Kim Jong-Il Demands Ipod

Latest Twist in Nuke Talks Raises Eyebrows, Concerns

Mercurial North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il threw a monkey wrench into the six-party talks about North Korea's nuclear program today by demanding that the other five nations give him an Apple iPod ShuffleT.

In a morning session of the Beijing talks, the reclusive Kim told representatives of the United States, Russia, Japan, China and South Korea that if he did not receive an iPod by the end of the day he would test-launch a missile into the Sea of Japan.

Kim's latest demand took most of the diplomats by surprise, since many had expected North Korea to demand diplomatic recognition and a security arrangement with the United States in exchange for denuclearization, rather than a portable music device that retails for under $150.

At Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, Apple CEO Steven Jobs hailed the development: 'This just goes to show that everybody wants an iPod, even one of the most insane, brutal dictators in the world.'

While some diplomats in Beijing believe that buying off the mercurial Kim with an iPod ShuffleT and possibly a gift certificate to the online Apple Music Store represented a cost-efficient way to defuse the North Korean nuclear crisis, others advised caution.

'If we give in to Kim Jong-il on the iPod ShuffleT, what's next?' said U.S. negotiator Assistant Secretary of State Christopher Hill. 'He'll want an Xbox, a PlayStation Portable and one of those cool camera phones.'

Source: The Borowitz Report

Tiger takes it

With his five stroke Victory at the 2005 British Open Tiger joins Nicklaus as only the second player to win each of the majors twice ... becomes the youngest player to win the four majors twice ... becomes only the third player to reach double-digits in majors.

Man sets self on fire in bid to get custody of son.

What better way to show you're ready to accept responsibility for raising your child?

Military stretched too thin

"U.S. MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WAGE WAR AGAINST IRAQ AND GAY MARRIAGE AT THE SAME TIME

War on Obesity Also in Jeopardy, White House Concedes

Signaling a shift in strategy, the White House acknowledged today that the United States may not possess adequate forces to wage war against Iraq and gay marriage at the same time.

In the past, Pentagon planners had always formulated their budget requests on the assumption that the U.S. must be able to fight the insurgency in Iraq and the rising tide of gay marriages at home simultaneously, but that calculus has changed, the White House said.

In a press briefing, spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged the difficulties of trying to wipe out the insurgency and gay weddings at the same time: 'It turns out that these insurgents are more determined than we originally expected, and so are these damn gay couples.'

Mr. McClellan also raised the possibility that the insurgency in Iraq could prevent the U.S. from continuing to fight the war on obesity.

'Let's face it, folks,' Mr. McClellan said. 'For the near term at least, we may be looking at a gayer, fatter America.'

Mr. McClellan's statements drew a sharp rebuke from Dr. Charles Helsinger, a persistent critic of the Pentagon who believes that the proposed shift in strategy is short-sighted: 'While we are in Iraq, why don't we try to take out a few gay weddings and fat people over there? The time has come for these Pentagon pinheads to think outside the box.'

Elsewhere, after a visitor to Disney-MGM Studios suffered cardiac arrest while riding the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, park officials said they would rename the ride 'Vioxx Mountain.' "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Hockey this year?

Deal to be done today

The joys of Golf

As some of you may or may not know I've recently taken advantage of the lessons I take to get my scores down. From shooting in the 120's in April at Myrtle Beach to shooting in the 90's in June on the return trip, I can't say enough about the need for some professional involvement when it comes to improving your game.

Well, another milestone was reached this weekend. As those of you who know me already know, I've been fighting to get below 90 for most of this month. I've actually hit 90 on the nose at least half a dozen times, and missed 89 by mere inches (literally). Playing yesterday at the Exeter Country Club in Rhode Island (beautiful course, highly recommended), I shot a 45 on the front nine and assumed that it would be another case of a round in the low 90's. It seems fate and the Golf Gods would have other ideas as I tore through the back nine at a mere three over par 39 which crushed my previous best game by six strokes to card an 84 for the day. My best round ever. The back nine played like a dream, no wasted shots and even the few wayward ones I hit I was able to scramble around to make par. I started the tenth with a bogey by getting up and down out of the sand, then three pars in a row before bogeying the next hole, then hit a 260 yard drive to about 85 yards out and stuck a sand wedge within two feet of the flag, birdied that one. Finished up the back nine by getting up and down on the final par 5.

There are days when it seems like nothing is going right and every shot is a chore. Keep the days when you're blessed and 'in the zone', they don't come around that often.

National Security

U.S. TO CREATE ONE NEW SPY AGENCY FOR EVERY TERRORIST ON EARTH

50,000 New Agencies Could Be Up and Running By Early 2020

Hoping to ramp up its efforts in the war on terror, President George W. Bush announced today that the United States would create one new spy agency for every terrorist on the planet.

The ambitious plan, which would involve the creation of over fifty thousand new intelligence agencies, could be fully implemented by as early as 2020, the President said.

'We are dealing with an enemy who is evil, determined, and will stop at nothing to destroy our freedom,' Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House. 'The only way to fight an enemy like that is with a massive new bureaucracy.'

To kick off the new initiative, President Bush authorized funds to create an agency devoted solely to hunting down terror suspect Fahd Faraj Al-tuwajari of Saudi Arabia.

With a staff of over one hundred, the Central Fahd Faraj Al-tuwajari Intelligence Agency 'will bring the fight to Mr. Fahd Faraj Al-tuwajari,' the President said.

But even as Mr. Bush launched his ambitious new program, some in Congress worried that coordinating the activities of fifty thousand spy agencies would require the creation of at least ten to twenty thousand additional 'super-spy agencies.'

Still, Mr. Bush remained convinced that even if seventy thousand new agencies are ultimately required, his proposal was the only way to protect the country: 'We must stop the terrorists before they attack us, or become President of Iran.'

Elsewhere, the singer Bobby Brown said he hoped his new reality series, 'Being Bobby Brown,' would be as successful as the last TV show he appeared on, 'Cops.' "

Source: The Borowitz Report