Military stretched too thin

"U.S. MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WAGE WAR AGAINST IRAQ AND GAY MARRIAGE AT THE SAME TIME

War on Obesity Also in Jeopardy, White House Concedes

Signaling a shift in strategy, the White House acknowledged today that the United States may not possess adequate forces to wage war against Iraq and gay marriage at the same time.

In the past, Pentagon planners had always formulated their budget requests on the assumption that the U.S. must be able to fight the insurgency in Iraq and the rising tide of gay marriages at home simultaneously, but that calculus has changed, the White House said.

In a press briefing, spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged the difficulties of trying to wipe out the insurgency and gay weddings at the same time: 'It turns out that these insurgents are more determined than we originally expected, and so are these damn gay couples.'

Mr. McClellan also raised the possibility that the insurgency in Iraq could prevent the U.S. from continuing to fight the war on obesity.

'Let's face it, folks,' Mr. McClellan said. 'For the near term at least, we may be looking at a gayer, fatter America.'

Mr. McClellan's statements drew a sharp rebuke from Dr. Charles Helsinger, a persistent critic of the Pentagon who believes that the proposed shift in strategy is short-sighted: 'While we are in Iraq, why don't we try to take out a few gay weddings and fat people over there? The time has come for these Pentagon pinheads to think outside the box.'

Elsewhere, after a visitor to Disney-MGM Studios suffered cardiac arrest while riding the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, park officials said they would rename the ride 'Vioxx Mountain.' "

Source: The Borowitz Report