US Students lead world in Star Wars Knowledge

Dept. of Education Hails New Test Scores

U.S. students, long assailed for lagging the students of other nations in math and science, lead the world in their knowledge and comprehension of 'Star Wars' trivia, the Department of Education announced today.

The positive findings were the result of a standardized 'Star Wars' trivia test administered to all U.S. high school students during the 2004-5 school year, in which students were quizzed on their knowledge of such crucial 'Star Wars' concepts as the Clone Wars, the Jedi Council and the Sith.

'These results should leave little doubt that the president's 'No Child Left Behind' program is making a difference,' said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. 'When it comes to understanding 'Star Wars,' our children leave the rest of the world behind.'

While recent test scores have shown that U.S. students have difficulty adding, subtracting, and finding the nation of Mexico on a world map, the 'Star Wars' trivia test paints an entirely different picture -- one of academic excellence.

In addition to their stellar performance in the field of 'Star Wars,' Secretary Spellings said that a recent study shows that American students' mastery of the Sony PlayStation Portable outpaces that of students in Europe and the Far East.

'As the world economy becomes increasingly driven by 'Star Wars' movies and handheld computer games, American students are uniquely poised to lead the way,' the Education Secretary said. 'May the Force be with them!'

Elsewhere, Harvard President Lawrence Summers said he would spend $50 million to make Harvard's faculty more diverse and an additional $10 million to send flowers and candy to female faculty members.

Source: The Borowitz Report