Pope requests audience with Bono

In his first official act since being named leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI said that he had requested an audience with Bono, the leader of the platinum-selling rock band U2.

Speaking from a balcony at the Vatican to a crowd of 500,000, the newly elected pontiff said that building a relationship with Bono would be 'Job One' of his tenure as pope.

The Church's ties with Bono dominated the top-secret discussions leading to the election of the new pope, several cardinals speaking on condition of unanimity have confirmed.

Bono's close working relationship with Pope John Paul II has long been considered one of the Church's greatest assets, prompting concern that the new pope might have a tough act to follow in securing the crucial support of the U2 leader.

'As a German, Pope Benedict XVI has always had closer ties to German bands like The Scorpions,' one cardinal said. 'He's been known to whistle 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' while strolling about the Vatican.'

Performing at the Pepsi Center in Denver last night, Bono interrupted U2's hit song 'Vertigo' to give what was described as a 'brief but heartfelt shout-out' to Pope Benedict XVI.

According to one unnamed cardinal, Bono's shout-out drew sighs of relief in Vatican circles: 'Next to the white smoke, that shout-out from Bono was the sign we've all been waiting for.'

Elsewhere, Michael Jackson told reporters today that he thinks his trial is 'going well,' a sign that his lawyers may be trying to build a case for insanity"

Source: The Borowitz Report