Where's Osama?

DESPERATE FOR AIRTIME, BIN LADEN STARTS COVERING HURRICANES

Madman Turns Weatherman to Get on TV

Largely forgotten during the nonstop cable news coverage of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, international terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has opted to start covering hurricanes himself in a desperate bid to get back on TV, sources close to the al Qaeda madman confirmed today.

According to an associate of Mr. bin Laden, the strategic shift from terrorism to hurricane coverage became necessary after it grew clear to the terror kingpin that the cable news outlets would not air his terror videos as long as they were committed to wall-to-wall weather reporting.

'Osama kept sending in video after video, some of his spookiest work to date, but the cable news networks wouldn't put them on the air,' the associate said. 'Considering he's the world's most wanted man, he didn't feel very wanted.'

The associate said that Mr. bin Laden seethed as he watched the networks follow the paths of destruction of the two hurricanes while ignoring the al Qaeda boss: 'There's something terribly wrong when Osama bin Laden can't get as much airtime as Anderson Cooper.'

In his latest video, Mr. bin Laden seems to have taken an 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em attitude,' wearing a rain slicker and boots, his hair and beard blown about by gale force winds.

According to his associate, covering hurricanes was a necessary compromise to get Mr. bin Laden back on the air: 'It was either that or going on 'Dancing With the Stars.''

Elsewhere, President Bush hinted that 'diversity' would be the goal of his next Supreme Court pick, indicating that he might choose a white man with blonde hair this time. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Cheney to spend entire month above ground

Will Expose Himself to Sunlight to Boost White House Approval Ratings

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that in an effort to pump up the White House's anemic approval ratings he would remain above ground for an entire month and would not return to his secure, undisclosed location until November.

The vice president, who emerged from his underground lair two weeks ago for a series of high-profile photo opportunities, made the surprising announcement at a press briefing in the White House.

'I'm untanned, but I'm rested and ready,' said Mr. Cheney, squinting at the daylight as he spoke to the White House press corps.

According to one of the vice president's aides, Mr. Cheney's decision to climb out of his subterranean hideout for the entire month of October would mean his longest visit to the Earth's surface since 2001.

'Dick Cheney is willing to do everything he can to help the White House's numbers, even if it means exposing himself to the ultraviolet rays of the sun,' the aide said.

But according to Dr. Lars Krenzel, a scientist who studies the habitats and migration patterns of vice presidents for the University of Minnesota, Dick Cheney's extended visit to the earth's surface means 'a journey into the unknown.'

'There is no way of predicting how Dick Cheney will respond to the earth's atmosphere,' said Dr. Krenzel. 'One thing is certain, however: whether he is above ground or below ground, his Halliburton stock will continue to rise.'

Elsewhere, NASA said it would return to the moon by 2018, and FEMA said it would return its phone calls by 2020. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Solution?

HASTERT SUGGESTS RETURNING LOUISIANA PURCHASE TO FRANCE

Angry Chirac States France's No-returns Policy

Offering his most controversial comments to date about the future of New Orleans, House Speaker Dennis Hastert said today that the United States should 'at least explore the possibility' of returning the Louisiana Purchase in its entirety to France.

Rep. Hastert said that the United States would be 'totally justified' in demanding that France take the Louisiana Purchase back because, in his view, 'It's becoming obvious that when we bought the Louisiana Purchase the French were selling us a bill of goods.'

Explaining his remarks, the Speaker said that when the Emperor Napoleon I sold the United States the Louisiana Purchase in 1803 he did not offer full disclosure of the property's vulnerability to storm damage and that this omission makes the sale null and void.

But at a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac gave Rep. Hastert's proposal a chilly reception, saying that France had 'a strict co-returns policy' and that he intended to adhere to it.

'To Monsieur Hastert, let me say this,' said a visibly angry President Chirac, pounding on the podium with his fist. 'You break it - how you say - you bought it.'

But according to Professor Harland Linsdale of the University of Minnesota's School of International Law, if France eventually agreed to take back the Louisiana Purchase, it is unlikely that the U.S. could demand more than the 1803 purchase price of $15 million.

'In Louisiana, $15 million won't even buy you one elected official,' Professor Linsdale said.

Elsewhere, reconstruction efforts in New Orleans suffered a setback today when Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally leaned against a levee and breached it

Source: The Borowitz Report