Cheney to spend entire month above ground

Will Expose Himself to Sunlight to Boost White House Approval Ratings

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that in an effort to pump up the White House's anemic approval ratings he would remain above ground for an entire month and would not return to his secure, undisclosed location until November.

The vice president, who emerged from his underground lair two weeks ago for a series of high-profile photo opportunities, made the surprising announcement at a press briefing in the White House.

'I'm untanned, but I'm rested and ready,' said Mr. Cheney, squinting at the daylight as he spoke to the White House press corps.

According to one of the vice president's aides, Mr. Cheney's decision to climb out of his subterranean hideout for the entire month of October would mean his longest visit to the Earth's surface since 2001.

'Dick Cheney is willing to do everything he can to help the White House's numbers, even if it means exposing himself to the ultraviolet rays of the sun,' the aide said.

But according to Dr. Lars Krenzel, a scientist who studies the habitats and migration patterns of vice presidents for the University of Minnesota, Dick Cheney's extended visit to the earth's surface means 'a journey into the unknown.'

'There is no way of predicting how Dick Cheney will respond to the earth's atmosphere,' said Dr. Krenzel. 'One thing is certain, however: whether he is above ground or below ground, his Halliburton stock will continue to rise.'

Elsewhere, NASA said it would return to the moon by 2018, and FEMA said it would return its phone calls by 2020. "

Source: The Borowitz Report