Pope requests audience with Bono

In his first official act since being named leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI said that he had requested an audience with Bono, the leader of the platinum-selling rock band U2.

Speaking from a balcony at the Vatican to a crowd of 500,000, the newly elected pontiff said that building a relationship with Bono would be 'Job One' of his tenure as pope.

The Church's ties with Bono dominated the top-secret discussions leading to the election of the new pope, several cardinals speaking on condition of unanimity have confirmed.

Bono's close working relationship with Pope John Paul II has long been considered one of the Church's greatest assets, prompting concern that the new pope might have a tough act to follow in securing the crucial support of the U2 leader.

'As a German, Pope Benedict XVI has always had closer ties to German bands like The Scorpions,' one cardinal said. 'He's been known to whistle 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' while strolling about the Vatican.'

Performing at the Pepsi Center in Denver last night, Bono interrupted U2's hit song 'Vertigo' to give what was described as a 'brief but heartfelt shout-out' to Pope Benedict XVI.

According to one unnamed cardinal, Bono's shout-out drew sighs of relief in Vatican circles: 'Next to the white smoke, that shout-out from Bono was the sign we've all been waiting for.'

Elsewhere, Michael Jackson told reporters today that he thinks his trial is 'going well,' a sign that his lawyers may be trying to build a case for insanity"

Source: The Borowitz Report

Driving range

Well, I hit the driving range today, exactly one week after my knee surgery and apart from the bloodsoaked jeans from the ruptured sutures, it went pretty well.

Actually I just hit some light pitches with my wedges. Tried for some distance control. Knee felt fine so I went ahead and hit some 8 & 9 irons and didn't appear to lose any distance even though I was aware of my knee and made sure I didn't overswing. Bodes well for getting back out there in early May. I'll have to see how it feels tomorrow. That will be the real test.

The fates are unkind

For those of you not in contact with me on a regular basis I went in for knee surgery last week to repair some damage done playing floor hockey. It marked the second time I've been in for the same surgery but I did change things up by injuring the other knee.

And of course the moment I went under the temperature went into the mid-seventies and there hasn't been a cloud in the sky for a week. I guess I consider myself fortunate that my knee held out for my Myrtle Beach trip.

Cardinals dealocked over lunch order

"The papal conclave hit a speed bump in its very first day as cardinals convening in Vatican City became deadlocked over which restaurant to order takeout from, sources said.

While the deliberations behind the walls of the Sistine Chapel are traditionally shrouded in secrecy, when the clock struck at 2 PM and no food had yet arrived, rumors circulated that the cardinals were bitterly split over where to order their lunch.

According to one insider, approximately half the cardinals in attendance were in favor of some form of Chinese takeout, while the other half favored a more unconventional choice, a tapas restaurant that recently opened in the neighborhood and that several prominent cardinals reportedly said 'looked interesting.'

Those familiar with the often heated discussions over the lunch order said that the dean of the College of Cardinals, Joseph Ratzinger, 78, tried to rein in the number of choices right off the bat by ruling out a restaurant he referred to only as 'that Thai place.'

Complicating the debate, one source said, was the fact that so many local eateries have been slipping their takeout menus under the Vatican's front door, defying a clearly posted sign warning against such a practice.

'There is some hope that sushi will emerge as a consensus choice, but that remains to be seen,' the source said, 'Compared to this, choosing a pope is going to be a snap.'

Elsewhere, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said that he is so confident he will win his ethics fight that he just doubled his family's salary. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

US drivers fume as gas prices soar

But I want my 5000 pound SUV!

Good thing they don't work for Walmart or Home Depot

Medical Boards Let Physicians Practice Despite Drug Abuse

They'd be out on their asses.

Mister Hand returns

I'd been away, but now I'm back. I was basking in the glow of the warm South Carolina sun for a week's worth of golf at Myrtle Beach. The photo above was taken at the signature 10th hole of the Jack Nicklaus designed Long Bay course, a beautiful course. I played eight rounds in five days and bought some new hardware (Callaway Big Bertha 5 wood). We stayed at Barefoot Resort and the trip was a blast. It's also nice to come back up North and find the temperature has crept into the livable range. Golf season has begun!