What a freakin' joke

ESPN declines NHL option for next season

The NHL is turning into the Arena Football, Monster Truck Pull, Poker League.

Oh wait, those other sports get higher television ratings.

The Joys of Summer Golf

The weather has finally gotten nicer and allowed those of us who partake of this fine sport a chance to head out there and slash around the fields and trees of Connecticut. The last few weeks have been golf-filled to say the least. If not on the actual course then half an hour spent at the driving range working on different things. This summer is shaping up particularly well since through various other activities it appears there will be more people involved and closer competition which always makes things more interesting.

After fighting for a few years with some swing issues this past weekend I managed to creep back into the mid-seventies at Birch Plain and shot my first sub-100 round since Caledonia in Myrtle Beach a year ago. Of course, the time you think you've 'figured it out', is usually you go out again and tack on an additional twenty strokes to your round but at least it's good to know the potential is there.

So after having shot yet another 80-plus round at Birch Plain with Tom, Jay & Kirk (and losing one dollar cash money in the process), I went back out again on Saturday and shot a 74. Much better. Then headed to a course in Rhode Island called Wood River and shot a 95 which felt very good indeed. My driver and five-wood were working like buttah, getting me close and inside 100 yards for all but the longest par-4s. And for a change my wedges didn't desert me while that was happening (usually one club takes the day off if another is working, must be a union thing).

US Students lead world in Star Wars Knowledge

Dept. of Education Hails New Test Scores

U.S. students, long assailed for lagging the students of other nations in math and science, lead the world in their knowledge and comprehension of 'Star Wars' trivia, the Department of Education announced today.

The positive findings were the result of a standardized 'Star Wars' trivia test administered to all U.S. high school students during the 2004-5 school year, in which students were quizzed on their knowledge of such crucial 'Star Wars' concepts as the Clone Wars, the Jedi Council and the Sith.

'These results should leave little doubt that the president's 'No Child Left Behind' program is making a difference,' said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. 'When it comes to understanding 'Star Wars,' our children leave the rest of the world behind.'

While recent test scores have shown that U.S. students have difficulty adding, subtracting, and finding the nation of Mexico on a world map, the 'Star Wars' trivia test paints an entirely different picture -- one of academic excellence.

In addition to their stellar performance in the field of 'Star Wars,' Secretary Spellings said that a recent study shows that American students' mastery of the Sony PlayStation Portable outpaces that of students in Europe and the Far East.

'As the world economy becomes increasingly driven by 'Star Wars' movies and handheld computer games, American students are uniquely poised to lead the way,' the Education Secretary said. 'May the Force be with them!'

Elsewhere, Harvard President Lawrence Summers said he would spend $50 million to make Harvard's faculty more diverse and an additional $10 million to send flowers and candy to female faculty members.

Source: The Borowitz Report

Finally, some good news from Iraq

RUMSFELD UPGRADES IRAQ FROM QUAGMIRE TO MORASS

Situation Disastrous But Not Catastrophic, Defense Sec'y Says

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon today that the conflict in Iraq had improved to the point that it could no longer be considered a quagmire and should now be thought of as a morass.

'After taking a look at what is going on there on the ground, it is my judgment that it is time to upgrade Iraq from quagmire to morass,' Mr. Rumsfeld said, adding that he was 'very confident' in making the new assessment.

The Defense Secretary said that the decision to invade Iraq could no longer be considered 'a boneheaded mistake of unthinkable proportions' and should now be thought of as 'a colossal error we will regret for years to come.'

'That's a measure of how much things have improved,' he said. 'Anyone who takes a look at the big picture over there would come away saying that the situation is disastrous but not catastrophic.'

In order to fight the perception that the war in Iraq is going badly, Mr. Rumsfeld said he would ask Congress for an additional $37 billion dollars to go toward euphemisms and synonyms.

Mr. Rumsfeld appeared to bristle at the question of one reporter, Charles Dolgian of the Toledo Blade, who asked if it was still appropriate to refer to the war in Iraq as 'a train wreck.'

'It is most decidedly not a train wreck,' Mr. Rumsfeld said. 'It is a train derailment in which the train hurtles down into the embankment and bursts into flames.' ",

Source: the Borowitz Report

Golf season begins

Wednesday night's golfing league kicked off last night and fortunately for me I didn't have what had become another in a long line of elevated scores and frustration. We play a nine-hole round at Pequot and I managed a 46 for the round. That in spite of putting a dismal nineteen times in nine holes. My iron play was pretty good and I had nary a dropped or lost ball the whole round. My pitching could have been closer to the pin but again, no skulled shots or flubs that sometimes creep in. Much better than the mid-fifties and higher(!) I'd shot down at Myrtle Beach. Hopefully this is the start of bigger and better things. With my knee on the mend I'll be back to take a few lessons with my teaching pro who'll shave a few strokes here and there. It's nice to have the bag back in the trunk where it belongs.

Science at work

STUDY: SOME STAR WARS FANS HAVE SEX

New Data Confounds Conventional Wisdom

As the countdown continues to the release of 'Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith,' a new study indicates that contrary to the conventional wisdom, a small but significant number of 'Star Wars' fans may actually have sex.

Dr. Davis Preedon, who supervised the study for the University of Minnesota, said that while sexually active 'Star Wars' fans still represent a tiny minority of the fan base, the fact that any 'Star Wars' fans at all have sex may force scientists to reevaluate their theories about this little-understood population.

'The prevailing profile of the 'Star Wars' fan as a geek who spends ten hours a day on the Internet trying to dig up details of the new film's plotline is only one piece of the puzzle,' he said. 'For every one thousand 'Star Wars' fans who meet that description, there is another one who has a girlfriend.'

Shane Losby, 27, a sexually active 'Star Wars' fan from Gary, Indiana, says he has tried for years to convince people that he has sex but 'it's really tough to get them to look past the whole 'Star Wars' thing.'

Dr. Preedon said his next research project is to test the conventional wisdom that 'Star Trek' fans do not have sex: 'We've just started the preliminary research, but so far that theory seems to be holding up.'

Elsewhere, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that with the U.S. bogged down in Iraq, the only way to contend with the Axis of Evil will be by somehow convincing North Korea to attack Iran. "