Ejukashun 4 U

Next time you're wondering why the hamburger with no pickles you ordered at the drive-thru came loaded with pickles, or the fries were left out of your order, or there were no napkins or straw for your drink, look at this picture found on the speaker stand at a local fast food place.




The funniest part of this whole thing is that somewhere in the restaurant there was a manager who either didn't take the time to check what was going to be posted, or took a look at the message and decided it looked fine.

The real issue with Iraq's constitution

IRAQIS REJECT DEMOCRACY, FEARING OBESITY MAY BE NEXT

Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds Report Worrisome Weight Gains Since U.S. Invasion

Hopes for a new Iraqi constitution suffered a major setback today as Iraqis rejected American-style democracy, fearing that it could usher in American-style obesity in its wake.

The decision to scuttle democracy as a way of avoiding obesity was announced by the Shiite leader Abdul-Aziz Hakim in a press conference in Baghdad.

"If, by embracing democracy, Iraqis will all become obese like those Americans you see at their Walmart, then we will have none of it," Mr. Hakim said, vehemently pounding his fist on the table.

While Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds have been divided on most issues relating to Iraq's new constitution, fear of obesity seems to the one uniting force that has galvanized the nation's three factious ethnic groups.

Since the U.S. invasion in March 2003, the average Iraqi has reported weight gains of between fifteen and twenty pounds as the nation has struggled to adapt to the sudden influx of McDonald's, Applebee's, and Boston Market restaurants that are now a mainstay of every Iraqi thoroughfare.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the U.S. would soon send dispatch a representative to Iraq "to assure the Iraqi people that democracy and obesity do not necessarily go hand in hand."

While Mr. McClellan indicated that such a representative had not yet been chosen, he told reporters, "It probably won't be Cheney."

Elsewhere, a man arrested for trespassing in actress Jennifer Aniston's home told authorities that he had planned to leave Ms. Aniston to go trespassing in actress Angelina Jolie's home.

Source: The Borowitz Report

See? We're not really that different

Those wacky Christians

PAT ROBERTSON URGES U.S. TO COVET CHAVEZ' WIFE

Televangelist Breaks Second Commandment in Two Days

One day after Pat Robertson called for the U.S. to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, the televangelist raised the ante again today, urging the U.S. to covet President Chavez' wife.

In so doing, Mr. Robertson appeared to contradict two of The Ten Commandments in as many days, having flouted "Thou shat not kill" on Monday.

Speaking on the television program he hosts, "The 700 Club," Mr. Robertson lashed out at the Venezuelan strongman once more, telling his audience, "It's high time that the United States coveted Hugo Chavez' wife."

Warming to his topic, the opinionated preacher added, "And while we're at it, we should covet his house, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox and his ass, for that matter."

Mr. Robertson indicated that all of the coveting he referred to would not require a war, arguing that it could be all done through the use of covert operatives within Venezuela.

"We could send some special ops guys down there, and bang-bang, covet all of that stuff," Mr. Robertson told his audience.

Speaking to reporters after the program, Mr. Robertson was unrepentant about having broken two of the Ten Commandments in two days, telling them, "I fully intend to obey the other eight, and eight out of ten ain't bad."

But the televangelist seemed to waver from that position slightly, telling reporters that the U.S. should "bear false witness against Hugo Chavez and dishonor Hugo Chavez's mother and father

Source: The Borowitz Report

Tivo's TV shows

Tivo tracks the requests for recordings of television shows anonymously. It's nice to see that a show I watch, Battlestar Galactica, is figuring in highly in those recordings. Maybe that will mean it won't be canceled like virtually every show I start paying attention to. It's one of the few things on television worth watching, at least until Arrested Development comes back in September.

Phil wins!

Congrats to Phil Mickelson, who birdied the 72nd hole to win the 2005 PGA Championship, his second career major win.

Our fearless leader

BUSH REFUSES TO SET TIMETABLE FOR WITHDRAWAL FROM CRAWFORD

Early End to Vacation Would 'Send Terrible Signal,' President Says

President George W. Bush said today that he understands and respects the views of those who are calling for him to cut short his summer vacation, but warned that an immediate withdrawal from Crawford, Texas would 'send a terrible signal to the enemy.'

'The enemy would like nothing better than to see me cut short my vacation and get back to the White House,' Mr. Bush told reporters. 'They hate my freedom.'

While the president said that he would withdraw from Crawford 'soon,' he refused to set a timetable for his departure from the ranch, saying that much work there still needs to be done.

Mr. Bush, who has been spending much of his vacation clearing brush, said that he is making great progress in training ranch hands to take over that job for him, but cautioned that they are not yet prepared to do the job themselves.

'Once the ranch hands have shown that they are able to clear the brush on their own, I will withdraw from Crawford, but that day has not yet come,' the president said.

Mr. Bush was dismissive of polls showing that the public thinks his current vacation is becoming a quagmire, much like his August 2001 vacation.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan defended the president's decision to remain in Crawford indefinitely: 'President Bush deserves August off, especially when you consider how many summers he had to go to school.'

Elsewhere, actress Angelina Jolie denied reports that she had become a citizen of Cambodia, saying that she and Cambodia were just good friends. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Health

SE Asia

NORTH KOREA MOVES ONE MILLION CLONED CATS TO BORDER WITH SOUTH

Angry Kim Jong-Il Retaliates for Seoul's Dog Cloning

One day after South Korean scientists announced that they had successfully cloned a dog, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il denounced the cloning procedure as 'an act of provocation' and immediately moved one million cloned cats to the border with the South.

The cloning of an Afghan pup named 'Snuppy' by South Korean scientists drew praise from biologists around the world, but not from the mercurial Kim, who believed that Seoul planned to unleash an army of cloned dogs to invade his country.

Within minutes of the scientists' announcement, Kim dispatched thousands of troop carriers carrying cloned cats to the border with the South, raising tensions throughout the Korean peninsula.

In Seoul, South Korean president Roh Moo-hyun responded to Kim's cat deployment, warning that South Korea could move as many as one million cloned Labradors, beagles and poodles to the border within weeks.

The prospect of a tense standoff between a million cloned cats and dogs in a region long considered a powder keg by the international community represented the first major diplomatic challenge for newly installed United Nations Ambassador John Bolton.

From the floor of the U.N.'s General Assembly today, Mr. Bolton offered one possible solution to the crisis in the Korean peninsula: 'If it were up to me, I'd saw off both Koreas from the rest of Asia and let them float out to sea.'

Elsewhere, President Bush overruled advisors who wanted to change the name of the "war on terror" to the "global struggle against violent extremism," arguing that the latter phrase contained words over two syllables.

Source: The Borowitz Report

Site to see

I've added it to the links list on the right hand side of the page, but I figured it was funny enough to warrant a special mention in the main section as well.

Oppressed, downtrodden and just plain fed-up wives? You're not alone apparently. Witness here the stories of why I hate my husband.

Whatta hoot

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off."

They said, "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........"Shit, I could win this..........."

I see dummies. They're everywhere.

So this past Friday I'm driving home from work on a stretch of highway that is notorious for its traffic during the summer. The reasons for the traffic are numerous, sometimes it's construction (mowing the grass falls into this category), sometimes it's an accident, part of it is the fact that it's simply too few lanes for too many cars and that's just the way it goes.

So I've gotten on the highway and am driving along when the cars ahead of me slow down to a crawl. I figure it's just another example of standard pre-weekend traffic and settle down for the slow going. Less than a mile up ahead I come to the source of the slowdown. An older white car, a Toyota Supra if memory serves, has pulled off to the side of the road. The passenger door is open and it appears someone is sitting there, perhaps on a cell phone calling AAA for a tow or boost. No accident, just people slowing down apparently because the novelty of a car on the shoulder of the road is too much for them to resist passing at anything faster than fifteen miles an hour.

You'd think the story would end there, wouldn't you? I mean, a few rubberneckers had slowed down traffic for a half mile or so, what's the big deal? No, the interesting thing was what was happening on the other side of the highway, the southbound side. You see, as intriguing as this car on the shoulder of the road was for people in the northbound lane, the drivers in the southbound lane just couldn't get enough of it. They had traffic backed up for miles. As I continued on the northbound lane I passed East Lyme, then the 395 cut-off and traffic was almost at a standstill. I continued on through Waterford and got to the New London bridge where the poor bastards crossing it at 75 mph had no idea what was in store for them just on the other side. Incredible. A 10-mile standstill on Friday afternoon was caused by people looking at a single broken down car on the other side of the highway.

People, if the car is not on fire, please, just keep driving.