Ambien users invade countries in their sleep

Wake Up With No Memory of Reasons for Invasion, No Exit Strategy

A mounting pile of anecdotal evidence suggests that users of the popular sleep medication Ambien may invade countries in their sleep, and then wake up with no memory of the reasons they invaded, according to a study released today.

The study, conducted by the University of Minnesota, attempts to shed light on a little-known side effect of Ambien, in which users who are fast asleep go on country-invading binges.

Dr. Davis Logsdon, who supervised the University of Minnesota study, said that Ambien users who have no memory of invading countries while asleep wake up with no idea of what to do with the country they invaded.

'Making matters worse, they have no exit strategy, either,' Dr; Logsdon said. 'Their only option is to remain in the country they invaded, and keep taking Ambien.'

The University of Minnesota study highlights several other troubling side-effects of Ambien, such as the tendency of Ambien users to concoct incomprehensible prescription drug programs while asleep.

'They wake up having no memory of creating these prescription drug programs and are unable to explain how they work,' Dr. Logsdon said.

In what is perhaps the most disturbing revelation in the study, Ambien users may give away control of U.S. ports to foreign interests while totally unconscious.

'Unfortunately, there's no treatment for these destructive sleep episodes,' Dr. Logsdon said. 'You just have to wait, and after eight years it's over.'

Elsewhere, televangelist Pat Robertson said today that Muslims are 'motivated by demonic power,' thus making himself the latest cartoon character to enrage the Muslim world. "

Avian Flu now more popular than Bush

Bird Pandemic Surges Ahead of President in Latest Poll

In a seemingly ominous development for the White House, a new survey released today indicates that the avian flu is now more popular than President George W. Bush.

The poll, which was taken by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, puts the President's approval rating at 34 percent, well behind the avian flu at 46 percent.

While the President's numbers have been trending downward for the last several weeks, the White House was reportedly stunned to learn that the President is now significantly less popular than a deadly bird-borne pandemic.

'There's no way for the White House to spin these numbers,' said the University of Minnesota's Davis Logsdon, who supervised the survey. 'When a pandemic that threatens the world's bird population is more popular than you are, you're in serious political trouble.'

According to Mr. Logsdon, the avian flu gets higher marks for honesty than President Bush does: 'The bird pandemic at least comes out and says it is a bird pandemic, and voters find that refreshing.'

Mr. Logsdon said that the one way for the President to increase his popularity vis-�-vis the avian flu would be to eradicate the avian flu, possibly by having Vice President Dick Cheney take out his shotgun and shoot at the world's birds.

But even this strategy carries with it certain risks: 'Thousands of people could wind up getting shot in the face.'

Elsewhere, the Penguin Group paid a reported $8.5 million for former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan's memoirs, hoping to appeal to the millions of Americans who currently use Ambien.