Think outside the box

"Acknowledging the legal barriers to torturing detainees in U.S. custody, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales confirmed today that the Justice Department was exploring the feasibility of torturing prisoners in outer space.

According to a Justice Department memo, lawyers for the department are exploring whether interrogation methods banned by the Geneva Conventions would be legal if used on a space station orbiting the earth, or perhaps on the moon.

The memo validated rumors that the Bush administration was actively planning to begin launching detainees from Guantanamo Bay into orbit in order to expand the menu of available interrogation options.

Under the plan, the detainees would be reclassified as 'detastronauts' and would no longer be protected by international law, but rather by the somewhat less defined rules of outer space.

In Washington, Mr. Gonzales denied that the memo represented a shift away from his earlier disavowals of torture, arguing that torturing prisoners in zero gravity conditions was merely a case of 'thinking outside the box.'

'The United States government steadfastly maintains that torture is never appropriate,' Mr. Gonzales said, 'on this planet.'

But according to Dr. Tammy Nabel, a professor of astrophysics at the University of Minnesota, torturing prisoners in outer space may be 'easier said then done.'

'There are major challenges inherent in torturing prisoners in zero gravity,' Dr. Nabel said. 'For one thing, it's really hard to make those hoods stay on.'

Elsewhere, in an effort to boost the anemic ratings of its boxing reality show 'The Contender,' NBC announced today that the winner would beat up the winner of 'American Idol.'"

Source: The Borowitz Report