See? Bush isn't the only one with this problem

Troublemakers are popping up all over:

"Terror mastermind Osama bin Laden promised a "thorough review" of al-Qaeda's clearance procedures today after reports emerged that an alleged male escort had successfully infiltrated the inner circle of the terror network.

Appearing on the Arabic-language television network Al-Jazeera, a red-faced Mr. bin Laden acknowledged that the high-ranking terrorist known to his al-Qaeda comrades as Fawzi Khalid Al-Mutairi was actually Jeff Guckert, reportedly a former male escort with no terrorist background whatsoever.

According to sources within the terror network, Mr. Guckert distinguished himself in high-level al-Qaeda meetings by lobbing softball questions Mr. bin Laden's way, such as, "Don't you think it's only a matter of time before we destroy the American infidels?" and "Isn't it ironic that they call us evildoers when they are really the evil ones, and not us?"

In his appearance on al-Jazeera, Mr. bin Laden apologized for the lapse in proper security procedures that enabled Mr. Guckert to receive full al-Qaeda credentials, assuring his followers, "This is a case of one bad apple taking advantage of the system."

But around the world, aspiring terrorists who have waited for months or even years to be issued al-Qaeda credentials were not so quick to accept Mr. bin Laden's televised apology.

"I've been trying to get clearance from al-Qaeda for three years," said Ahmad Al-Foudari, 34, a disgruntled terrorist from Kuwait. "Instead of going to terrorist training camp, maybe I should've just been a ho."

Elsewhere, in response to secretly recorded conversations in which he advocated tolerance towards homosexuals, President Bush said today, "I must've been high when I said that."

Source: The Borowitz Report