Dark City

Liquid Ban Shocker

2006-08-14T07:41:00.000-04:00

Mel Gibson Protests FAA's Ban on Liquids

Actor Enlists Support of Billy Joel, Liza Minnelli

Days after the Federal Aviation Administration issued a ban on passengers bringing liquids on board flights in their carryon luggage, actor Mel Gibson came forward to vehemently protest the FAA's new restrictions.

At a press conference in Malibu today, the 'Braveheart' star said today that banning liquids on board planes was an example of 'persecution at its worst.'

'There are many examples of people for whom liquids are an important, life-sustaining part of their daily routine,' Mr. Gibson said. 'To keep them from bring those liquids on flights is tantamount to cruel and unusual punishment.'

The actor added, 'I'm all for profiling, but this is discrimination against all Americans who really need liquids.'

The actor said he had enlisted many other prominent members of the entertainment industry to join in his protest of the FAA's liquid ban, including the singers Billy Joel and Liza Minnelli.

'There is no way that Billy, Liza and I are getting on board a plane without our liquids,' he said. 'That just isn't going to happen.'

Mr. Gibson took his argument one step further, saying that when he learned about the FAA's ban he felt that it was 'yet another conspiracy to single me out personally.'

When asked who he thought was behind the conspiracy, Mr. Gibson was not specific, but added, 'Let's just put it this way -- they're banning liquids on flights, but they haven't touched the kosher meals.'

Elsewhere, President Bush ordered the Homeland Security Department to launch a full investigation to determine whether terrorists could smuggle snakes on a plane."

Breaking 40

2006-06-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I posted anything original so I figured I'd put up something quick for people to read. Summer is here and that means lots and lots of golf. Over the weekend I hit 87 at Pequot and 88 at Shennecossett. That's the fourth time I've been sub-90 this summer. This evening I matched my best score for nine holes on a regular course so as a public service announcement for those golfers who happen to read this blog, the following is how to break 40 for nine holes on a regular length course (in this case the front nine at Pequot).

Hole 1 - 353 par 4

Pull driver off tee into the second hole's fairway. Take drop from unplayable lie against rock wall that runs along the road. Hit 8-iron to just in front of green. Putt onto the green from divot where the ball is lying. Two putt from four feet. (6)

Hole 2 - 329 par 4 uphill

Hit driver dead center of fairway leaving 70 yards to green. Shank approach to right rough. Pitch to about seven feet. Two putt. (5)

Hole 3 - 358 par 4 from elevated tee

Hit driver to dead center of 8th fairway. Hit 6-iron just shy of green. Pitch to within six inches. Have opponent concede putt. (4-first par)

Hole 4 - 287 par 4 over huge tree in middle of fairway

Hit 5-wood dead center of fairway, over tree leaving 30 yards to green. Pitch well short of green. Chip with 7-iron to within three feet. Make the putt (4-second par).

Hole 5 - 328 par 4 hard dogleg right.

Draw 10-iron around tree line to about 120. Hit wedge downhill short of green into rough. Chili dip pitch shy of green. Putt from fringe into the hole (4-third par).

Hole 6 - 179 par 3 downhill

Push 8-iron into trees on left. Hit provisional onto green. Find first ball, hit approach into bunker. Hit bunker shot to within two feet of pin. Sink putt (4).

Hole 7 - 379 par 4 dogleg left

Hit driver uphill to 150 mark into right rough. Hit 7-iron onto green eight feet from pin. Two putt for par (4-fourth par).

Hole 8 - 376 par 4

Hit driver inside 150 mark into left rough. Hit 9-iron downhill onto green 30 feet from pin. Make disgraceful 3-putt for bogey (5).

Hole 9 - 209 par 3 uphill

Hit 3-wood uphill overshooting green into rough. Pitch downhill to fifteen feet from pin. Sink gorgeous, uphill, right-to-left putt for par (3-fifth par).

And there you have it. Nine holes that add up to 39 (13 putts) when all is said and done and really nothing too spectacular, but when some putts fall and you don't have to take too many drops your score starts to look much better.

Confused Immigrants Stay Home

2006-05-18T07:04:00.000-04:00

Not Sure If They Will Be Welcomed, Shot

As President George W. Bush's policy on immigration has become increasingly confusing in recent weeks, a growing number of potential illegal aliens have given up trying to figure it out and have decided to stay at home instead.

The confusion over the president's immigration policy has been at the top of the agenda of the annual meeting of Future Illegal Aliens of America, which is gathering in Juarez, Mexico this week.

The organization, which offers travel tips, restaurant suggestions and other information for those planning to sneak across the border, spent the better part of Tuesday and Wednesday trying to decipher the president's immigration policy but with no success.

'We do not know whether we will be granted guest worker status or shot on sight by the National Guard,' said Manuel Javier Davalos, who until recently had been considering sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border. 'Just trying to figure out the whole thing makes my head hurt.'

Mr. Davalos said he had been planning to sneak into the U.S. in order to get prescription drug benefits, but added, 'President Bush's prescription drug plan is almost as confusing as his immigration policy.'

At the White House, President Bush said that the addled response from potential illegal aliens was 'proof that my policy of intentional confusion is working.'

'By changing my policy on an almost daily basis, I have succeeded in stemming the flow of illegal aliens,' Mr. Bush said. 'It's only a matter of time before the same thing works in Iraq.'

Elsewhere, in an effort to increase his nation's birth rate, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered citizenship to Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline. "

Ambien users invade countries in their sleep

2006-03-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

Wake Up With No Memory of Reasons for Invasion, No Exit Strategy

A mounting pile of anecdotal evidence suggests that users of the popular sleep medication Ambien may invade countries in their sleep, and then wake up with no memory of the reasons they invaded, according to a study released today.

The study, conducted by the University of Minnesota, attempts to shed light on a little-known side effect of Ambien, in which users who are fast asleep go on country-invading binges.

Dr. Davis Logsdon, who supervised the University of Minnesota study, said that Ambien users who have no memory of invading countries while asleep wake up with no idea of what to do with the country they invaded.

'Making matters worse, they have no exit strategy, either,' Dr; Logsdon said. 'Their only option is to remain in the country they invaded, and keep taking Ambien.'

The University of Minnesota study highlights several other troubling side-effects of Ambien, such as the tendency of Ambien users to concoct incomprehensible prescription drug programs while asleep.

'They wake up having no memory of creating these prescription drug programs and are unable to explain how they work,' Dr. Logsdon said.

In what is perhaps the most disturbing revelation in the study, Ambien users may give away control of U.S. ports to foreign interests while totally unconscious.

'Unfortunately, there's no treatment for these destructive sleep episodes,' Dr. Logsdon said. 'You just have to wait, and after eight years it's over.'

Elsewhere, televangelist Pat Robertson said today that Muslims are 'motivated by demonic power,' thus making himself the latest cartoon character to enrage the Muslim world. "

Avian Flu now more popular than Bush

2006-03-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

Bird Pandemic Surges Ahead of President in Latest Poll

In a seemingly ominous development for the White House, a new survey released today indicates that the avian flu is now more popular than President George W. Bush.

The poll, which was taken by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, puts the President's approval rating at 34 percent, well behind the avian flu at 46 percent.

While the President's numbers have been trending downward for the last several weeks, the White House was reportedly stunned to learn that the President is now significantly less popular than a deadly bird-borne pandemic.

'There's no way for the White House to spin these numbers,' said the University of Minnesota's Davis Logsdon, who supervised the survey. 'When a pandemic that threatens the world's bird population is more popular than you are, you're in serious political trouble.'

According to Mr. Logsdon, the avian flu gets higher marks for honesty than President Bush does: 'The bird pandemic at least comes out and says it is a bird pandemic, and voters find that refreshing.'

Mr. Logsdon said that the one way for the President to increase his popularity vis-�-vis the avian flu would be to eradicate the avian flu, possibly by having Vice President Dick Cheney take out his shotgun and shoot at the world's birds.

But even this strategy carries with it certain risks: 'Thousands of people could wind up getting shot in the face.'

Elsewhere, the Penguin Group paid a reported $8.5 million for former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan's memoirs, hoping to appeal to the millions of Americans who currently use Ambien.

1776

2006-02-28T21:29:00.000-05:00

The next book I read was a historical novel which detailed the early generalship of George Washington and the beginning of his struggle against the British. 1776 was written by David McCullough, who won the Pulitzer Prize for his Truman biography in 1993 and again for John Adams in 2002.

This is one of the better histories I've read. The writing style and action reads more like a novel than a deeply researched historical piece. Yet the book is heavily annotated with documents drawn from the period, including the memoirs and letters of the principals involved. He deftly touches on both sides of the war, with the feelings of the British Parliament given some weight as well as those of the founding fathers. He then turns to some very detailed military action, running through Washington's notes as well as those of his adversaries. What you come away with is how badly beaten back the newly formed Continental Army was, and how close to a military catastrophe it so often came. If I had one complaint about the book it is that, at under 300 pages, it is too brief, only really covering the year of its title. I found myself wanting to read more when it ended. Perhaps he'll cover subsequent years in future books. In the meantime, it makes a terrific read for anyone interested in that period or military history in general.

Rif

2006-02-28T21:09:00.000-05:00

It seems like it's been a while since I've posted something that wasn't simply a cut and paste from an email I received from someone else, so I figured I'd put something in that I actually took the time to type out.

Over the holidays (formerly known as 'Christmas') I received several books as gifts. I hadn't actually sat down and read a book in a while and so with these books on hand I decided to go ahead and enjoy them. I'd forgotten how long it had been since I'd read a good book and how much I missed the whole process.

The first one I'd read was the 2002 Hugo and Nebula award winner for best novel by Neil Gaiman, the same author as the Sandman graphic novel series.

American Gods is a very good read. In a nutshell, all the old Gods, led by Odin, have fallen on hard times as their followers have all died off or drifted away. The New World is not a suitable breeding ground for them and they find themselves prey to the 'new' Gods-the internet and the onslaught of mass media. They carry out their feud in good old fashioned shootings and mafia-style hits. While the story's main protagonist isn't what you'd call a well fleshed out character, the concept is so well done that you find yourself seeking what happens next. Recommended if you like your fantasy a little gritty and find yourself drawn to the concept as I was.

No problem. Just move to Iraq. There's plenty of US money there.

2006-02-27T09:53:00.000-05:00

WP: Two-thirds of Katrina donations exhausted

Six months after Hurricane Katrina laid waste to the Gulf Coast, charities have disbursed more than $2 billion of the record sums they raised for the storm's victims, leaving less than $1 billion for the monumental task of helping hundreds of thousands of storm victims rebuild their lives, according to a survey by The Washington Post.

Strategery

2006-02-23T09:24:00.000-05:00

BUSH VOWS TO ALIENATE REMAINING POCKETS OF SUPPORT

President Determined to Drive Approval Rating Down to Zero

In a nationally televised address from the White House last night, President George W. Bush announced several bold new initiatives designed specifically to alienate his remaining pockets of support.

Acknowledging that his approval rating currently hovers around forty percent, the president told his national television audience, 'I will not rest until I have driven that number down to zero.'

Mr. Bush said that his recent decision to let a company based in the United Arab Emirates take control of key American ports was 'an important step' in alienating the few Americans who still support him.

But the president said he began implementing his plan to drive away millions of supporters three years ago, with the invasion of Iraq: 'Based on the approval numbers I now have, all I can say is, mission accomplished.'

He added that naming Michael Brown to head up the Federal Emergency Management Agency was another crucial decision in his plan to alienate supporters: 'When it comes to driving down your approval rating, Brownie did in fact do a heck of a job.'

The president said that he was considering several new initiatives to alienate his remaining pockets of support, such as naming outgoing Harvard University President Larry Summers to a new Cabinet post, Secretary of Alienation.

'When it comes to alienating people, Larry Summers makes me look like a rank amateur,' Mr. Bush said.

2006-02-16T08:58:00.000-05:00

Cheney says shooting of fellow hunter was based on faulty intelligence

Believed Shooting Victim Was Zawahiri, Veep Says

Vice President Dick Cheney revealed today that he shot a fellow hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend because he believed the man was the fugitive terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Mr. Cheney acknowledged that the man he sprayed with pellets on Saturday was not al-Zawahiri but rather Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old millionaire lawyer from Austin, blaming the mix-up on 'faulty intelligence.'

'I believed I had credible intelligence that al-Zawahiri had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of spraying me with pellets,' Mr. Cheney told reporters. 'Only after I shot Harry in the face and he shouted 'Cheney, you bastard' did I realize that this intelligence was faulty.'

Moments after Mr. Cheney's assault on Mr. Whittington, Mr. al-Zawahiri appeared in a new videotape broadcast on al-Jazeera to announce that he was uninjured in the vice president's attack because, in his words, 'I was in Pakistan.'

An aide to the vice president said he believed that the American people would believe Mr. Cheney's version of events, but added, 'If he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it's a shame it wasn't Jack Abramoff.'

At the White House, President George W. Bush defended his vice president's shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack sent 'a strong message to terrorists everywhere.'

'The message is, if Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent American citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he'll do to you,' Mr. Bush said. "

Super Bowl Champs!

2006-02-06T11:16:00.000-05:00

One for the thumb!

Steelers Superbowl Bound!

2006-01-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

WAR COST TOPS ONE ZILLION

2005-12-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

Pentagon Renames Iraq Conflict 'Operation Infinite Expense'

Just hours after the Pentagon estimated the cost of the war in Iraq at half a trillion dollars, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld revised that figure slightly upward, restating the cost of the war as one zillion dollars.

"In turns out that the half trillion figure left out some important budget items, and one zillion is actually a lot closer to the mark," Secretary Rumsfeld told reporters. "My bad."

To reflect the new, higher cost of the war, the Pentagon today officially renamed the conflict "Operation Infinite Expense."

When asked to explain the upward revision, the defense secretary said that the half-trillion figure was based on projections of the war in Iraq lasting five to ten years, while the zillion dollar figure reflects the most up-to-date estimate of the war's duration, which he characterized as "forever and ever."

"Based on what we're seeing on the ground in Iraq, the war will probably last longer than Vietnam but not quite as long as Cher's Farewell Tour."

Secretary Rumsfeld defended the new price tag for the war in Iraq, explaining, "When you keep in mind that this war is never going to end, and it will be around for our children and our children's children, a zillion dollars is a bargain by any yardstick."

At the White House, President Bush acknowledged that the zillion-dollar price tag was higher than he had originally anticipated, but added, "Freedom isn't free - in fact, it costs one zillion dollars."

Elsewhere, Target said that it would ban Santa Claus outside their stores but that it would continue to have many other obese people inside.

It's Winter - So it must be time to talk about golf

2005-12-14T11:55:00.000-05:00

Everyone who knows me knows I talk up how much I enjoy the golf lessons I take and how much I feel they've improved my game. In my honest opinion, I don't see how you can improve in the absence of some professional guidance.

Here is a link to an article and interview with the professional from whom I taken lessons the past two summers.

It's made a difference of about thirty strokes on average for a typical round for me. That's the difference between having a good time and picking up shards of your clubs after a round.

Where's Osama?

2005-09-27T12:04:00.000-04:00

DESPERATE FOR AIRTIME, BIN LADEN STARTS COVERING HURRICANES

Madman Turns Weatherman to Get on TV

Largely forgotten during the nonstop cable news coverage of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, international terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has opted to start covering hurricanes himself in a desperate bid to get back on TV, sources close to the al Qaeda madman confirmed today.

According to an associate of Mr. bin Laden, the strategic shift from terrorism to hurricane coverage became necessary after it grew clear to the terror kingpin that the cable news outlets would not air his terror videos as long as they were committed to wall-to-wall weather reporting.

'Osama kept sending in video after video, some of his spookiest work to date, but the cable news networks wouldn't put them on the air,' the associate said. 'Considering he's the world's most wanted man, he didn't feel very wanted.'

The associate said that Mr. bin Laden seethed as he watched the networks follow the paths of destruction of the two hurricanes while ignoring the al Qaeda boss: 'There's something terribly wrong when Osama bin Laden can't get as much airtime as Anderson Cooper.'

In his latest video, Mr. bin Laden seems to have taken an 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em attitude,' wearing a rain slicker and boots, his hair and beard blown about by gale force winds.

According to his associate, covering hurricanes was a necessary compromise to get Mr. bin Laden back on the air: 'It was either that or going on 'Dancing With the Stars.''

Elsewhere, President Bush hinted that 'diversity' would be the goal of his next Supreme Court pick, indicating that he might choose a white man with blonde hair this time. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Cheney to spend entire month above ground

2005-09-21T08:35:00.000-04:00

Will Expose Himself to Sunlight to Boost White House Approval Ratings

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that in an effort to pump up the White House's anemic approval ratings he would remain above ground for an entire month and would not return to his secure, undisclosed location until November.

The vice president, who emerged from his underground lair two weeks ago for a series of high-profile photo opportunities, made the surprising announcement at a press briefing in the White House.

'I'm untanned, but I'm rested and ready,' said Mr. Cheney, squinting at the daylight as he spoke to the White House press corps.

According to one of the vice president's aides, Mr. Cheney's decision to climb out of his subterranean hideout for the entire month of October would mean his longest visit to the Earth's surface since 2001.

'Dick Cheney is willing to do everything he can to help the White House's numbers, even if it means exposing himself to the ultraviolet rays of the sun,' the aide said.

But according to Dr. Lars Krenzel, a scientist who studies the habitats and migration patterns of vice presidents for the University of Minnesota, Dick Cheney's extended visit to the earth's surface means 'a journey into the unknown.'

'There is no way of predicting how Dick Cheney will respond to the earth's atmosphere,' said Dr. Krenzel. 'One thing is certain, however: whether he is above ground or below ground, his Halliburton stock will continue to rise.'

Elsewhere, NASA said it would return to the moon by 2018, and FEMA said it would return its phone calls by 2020. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Solution?

2005-09-13T09:39:00.000-04:00

HASTERT SUGGESTS RETURNING LOUISIANA PURCHASE TO FRANCE

Angry Chirac States France's No-returns Policy

Offering his most controversial comments to date about the future of New Orleans, House Speaker Dennis Hastert said today that the United States should 'at least explore the possibility' of returning the Louisiana Purchase in its entirety to France.

Rep. Hastert said that the United States would be 'totally justified' in demanding that France take the Louisiana Purchase back because, in his view, 'It's becoming obvious that when we bought the Louisiana Purchase the French were selling us a bill of goods.'

Explaining his remarks, the Speaker said that when the Emperor Napoleon I sold the United States the Louisiana Purchase in 1803 he did not offer full disclosure of the property's vulnerability to storm damage and that this omission makes the sale null and void.

But at a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac gave Rep. Hastert's proposal a chilly reception, saying that France had 'a strict co-returns policy' and that he intended to adhere to it.

'To Monsieur Hastert, let me say this,' said a visibly angry President Chirac, pounding on the podium with his fist. 'You break it - how you say - you bought it.'

But according to Professor Harland Linsdale of the University of Minnesota's School of International Law, if France eventually agreed to take back the Louisiana Purchase, it is unlikely that the U.S. could demand more than the 1803 purchase price of $15 million.

'In Louisiana, $15 million won't even buy you one elected official,' Professor Linsdale said.

Elsewhere, reconstruction efforts in New Orleans suffered a setback today when Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally leaned against a levee and breached it

Source: The Borowitz Report

Ejukashun 4 U

2005-08-30T09:51:00.000-04:00

Next time you're wondering why the hamburger with no pickles you ordered at the drive-thru came loaded with pickles, or the fries were left out of your order, or there were no napkins or straw for your drink, look at this picture found on the speaker stand at a local fast food place.

The funniest part of this whole thing is that somewhere in the restaurant there was a manager who either didn't take the time to check what was going to be posted, or took a look at the message and decided it looked fine.

The real issue with Iraq's constitution

2005-08-29T08:46:00.000-04:00

IRAQIS REJECT DEMOCRACY, FEARING OBESITY MAY BE NEXT

Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds Report Worrisome Weight Gains Since U.S. Invasion

Hopes for a new Iraqi constitution suffered a major setback today as Iraqis rejected American-style democracy, fearing that it could usher in American-style obesity in its wake.

The decision to scuttle democracy as a way of avoiding obesity was announced by the Shiite leader Abdul-Aziz Hakim in a press conference in Baghdad.

"If, by embracing democracy, Iraqis will all become obese like those Americans you see at their Walmart, then we will have none of it," Mr. Hakim said, vehemently pounding his fist on the table.

While Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds have been divided on most issues relating to Iraq's new constitution, fear of obesity seems to the one uniting force that has galvanized the nation's three factious ethnic groups.

Since the U.S. invasion in March 2003, the average Iraqi has reported weight gains of between fifteen and twenty pounds as the nation has struggled to adapt to the sudden influx of McDonald's, Applebee's, and Boston Market restaurants that are now a mainstay of every Iraqi thoroughfare.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the U.S. would soon send dispatch a representative to Iraq "to assure the Iraqi people that democracy and obesity do not necessarily go hand in hand."

While Mr. McClellan indicated that such a representative had not yet been chosen, he told reporters, "It probably won't be Cheney."

Elsewhere, a man arrested for trespassing in actress Jennifer Aniston's home told authorities that he had planned to leave Ms. Aniston to go trespassing in actress Angelina Jolie's home.

Source: The Borowitz Report

See? We're not really that different

2005-08-27T00:49:00.000-04:00

Those wacky Christians

2005-08-24T07:49:00.000-04:00

PAT ROBERTSON URGES U.S. TO COVET CHAVEZ' WIFE

Televangelist Breaks Second Commandment in Two Days

One day after Pat Robertson called for the U.S. to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, the televangelist raised the ante again today, urging the U.S. to covet President Chavez' wife.

In so doing, Mr. Robertson appeared to contradict two of The Ten Commandments in as many days, having flouted "Thou shat not kill" on Monday.

Speaking on the television program he hosts, "The 700 Club," Mr. Robertson lashed out at the Venezuelan strongman once more, telling his audience, "It's high time that the United States coveted Hugo Chavez' wife."

Warming to his topic, the opinionated preacher added, "And while we're at it, we should covet his house, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox and his ass, for that matter."

Mr. Robertson indicated that all of the coveting he referred to would not require a war, arguing that it could be all done through the use of covert operatives within Venezuela.

"We could send some special ops guys down there, and bang-bang, covet all of that stuff," Mr. Robertson told his audience.

Speaking to reporters after the program, Mr. Robertson was unrepentant about having broken two of the Ten Commandments in two days, telling them, "I fully intend to obey the other eight, and eight out of ten ain't bad."

But the televangelist seemed to waver from that position slightly, telling reporters that the U.S. should "bear false witness against Hugo Chavez and dishonor Hugo Chavez's mother and father

Source: The Borowitz Report

2005-08-18T12:50:00.000-04:00

Tivo's TV shows

Tivo tracks the requests for recordings of television shows anonymously. It's nice to see that a show I watch, Battlestar Galactica, is figuring in highly in those recordings. Maybe that will mean it won't be canceled like virtually every show I start paying attention to. It's one of the few things on television worth watching, at least until Arrested Development comes back in September.

Phil wins!

2005-08-15T12:24:00.000-04:00

Congrats to Phil Mickelson, who birdied the 72nd hole to win the 2005 PGA Championship, his second career major win.

Our fearless leader

2005-08-15T08:26:00.000-04:00

BUSH REFUSES TO SET TIMETABLE FOR WITHDRAWAL FROM CRAWFORD

Early End to Vacation Would 'Send Terrible Signal,' President Says

President George W. Bush said today that he understands and respects the views of those who are calling for him to cut short his summer vacation, but warned that an immediate withdrawal from Crawford, Texas would 'send a terrible signal to the enemy.'

'The enemy would like nothing better than to see me cut short my vacation and get back to the White House,' Mr. Bush told reporters. 'They hate my freedom.'

While the president said that he would withdraw from Crawford 'soon,' he refused to set a timetable for his departure from the ranch, saying that much work there still needs to be done.

Mr. Bush, who has been spending much of his vacation clearing brush, said that he is making great progress in training ranch hands to take over that job for him, but cautioned that they are not yet prepared to do the job themselves.

'Once the ranch hands have shown that they are able to clear the brush on their own, I will withdraw from Crawford, but that day has not yet come,' the president said.

Mr. Bush was dismissive of polls showing that the public thinks his current vacation is becoming a quagmire, much like his August 2001 vacation.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan defended the president's decision to remain in Crawford indefinitely: 'President Bush deserves August off, especially when you consider how many summers he had to go to school.'

Elsewhere, actress Angelina Jolie denied reports that she had become a citizen of Cambodia, saying that she and Cambodia were just good friends. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Health

2005-08-05T22:25:00.000-04:00

SE Asia

2005-08-05T11:02:00.000-04:00

NORTH KOREA MOVES ONE MILLION CLONED CATS TO BORDER WITH SOUTH

Angry Kim Jong-Il Retaliates for Seoul's Dog Cloning

One day after South Korean scientists announced that they had successfully cloned a dog, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il denounced the cloning procedure as 'an act of provocation' and immediately moved one million cloned cats to the border with the South.

The cloning of an Afghan pup named 'Snuppy' by South Korean scientists drew praise from biologists around the world, but not from the mercurial Kim, who believed that Seoul planned to unleash an army of cloned dogs to invade his country.

Within minutes of the scientists' announcement, Kim dispatched thousands of troop carriers carrying cloned cats to the border with the South, raising tensions throughout the Korean peninsula.

In Seoul, South Korean president Roh Moo-hyun responded to Kim's cat deployment, warning that South Korea could move as many as one million cloned Labradors, beagles and poodles to the border within weeks.

The prospect of a tense standoff between a million cloned cats and dogs in a region long considered a powder keg by the international community represented the first major diplomatic challenge for newly installed United Nations Ambassador John Bolton.

From the floor of the U.N.'s General Assembly today, Mr. Bolton offered one possible solution to the crisis in the Korean peninsula: 'If it were up to me, I'd saw off both Koreas from the rest of Asia and let them float out to sea.'

Elsewhere, President Bush overruled advisors who wanted to change the name of the "war on terror" to the "global struggle against violent extremism," arguing that the latter phrase contained words over two syllables.

Source: The Borowitz Report

Site to see

2005-08-02T23:06:00.000-04:00

I've added it to the links list on the right hand side of the page, but I figured it was funny enough to warrant a special mention in the main section as well.

Oppressed, downtrodden and just plain fed-up wives? You're not alone apparently. Witness here the stories of why I hate my husband.

Whatta hoot

2005-08-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off."

They said, "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........"Shit, I could win this..........."

I see dummies. They're everywhere.

2005-08-01T16:46:00.000-04:00

So this past Friday I'm driving home from work on a stretch of highway that is notorious for its traffic during the summer. The reasons for the traffic are numerous, sometimes it's construction (mowing the grass falls into this category), sometimes it's an accident, part of it is the fact that it's simply too few lanes for too many cars and that's just the way it goes.

So I've gotten on the highway and am driving along when the cars ahead of me slow down to a crawl. I figure it's just another example of standard pre-weekend traffic and settle down for the slow going. Less than a mile up ahead I come to the source of the slowdown. An older white car, a Toyota Supra if memory serves, has pulled off to the side of the road. The passenger door is open and it appears someone is sitting there, perhaps on a cell phone calling AAA for a tow or boost. No accident, just people slowing down apparently because the novelty of a car on the shoulder of the road is too much for them to resist passing at anything faster than fifteen miles an hour.

You'd think the story would end there, wouldn't you? I mean, a few rubberneckers had slowed down traffic for a half mile or so, what's the big deal? No, the interesting thing was what was happening on the other side of the highway, the southbound side. You see, as intriguing as this car on the shoulder of the road was for people in the northbound lane, the drivers in the southbound lane just couldn't get enough of it. They had traffic backed up for miles. As I continued on the northbound lane I passed East Lyme, then the 395 cut-off and traffic was almost at a standstill. I continued on through Waterford and got to the New London bridge where the poor bastards crossing it at 75 mph had no idea what was in store for them just on the other side. Incredible. A 10-mile standstill on Friday afternoon was caused by people looking at a single broken down car on the other side of the highway.

People, if the car is not on fire, please, just keep driving.

Golf tragedy

2005-07-29T13:47:00.000-04:00

Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing
he realizes that his wife Mary is teeing up on the Red Tees
directly in his way. Unable to stop his swing he nails it and
hits her directly in the temple and kills her instantly.

A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding
her autopsy.

Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt
force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and
hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"

Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt"

Joe: "Was it a Titleist Three?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was"

Joe: "That was my mulligan"

Kim Jong-Il Demands Ipod

2005-07-29T08:42:00.000-04:00

Latest Twist in Nuke Talks Raises Eyebrows, Concerns

Mercurial North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il threw a monkey wrench into the six-party talks about North Korea's nuclear program today by demanding that the other five nations give him an Apple iPod ShuffleT.

In a morning session of the Beijing talks, the reclusive Kim told representatives of the United States, Russia, Japan, China and South Korea that if he did not receive an iPod by the end of the day he would test-launch a missile into the Sea of Japan.

Kim's latest demand took most of the diplomats by surprise, since many had expected North Korea to demand diplomatic recognition and a security arrangement with the United States in exchange for denuclearization, rather than a portable music device that retails for under $150.

At Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, Apple CEO Steven Jobs hailed the development: 'This just goes to show that everybody wants an iPod, even one of the most insane, brutal dictators in the world.'

While some diplomats in Beijing believe that buying off the mercurial Kim with an iPod ShuffleT and possibly a gift certificate to the online Apple Music Store represented a cost-efficient way to defuse the North Korean nuclear crisis, others advised caution.

'If we give in to Kim Jong-il on the iPod ShuffleT, what's next?' said U.S. negotiator Assistant Secretary of State Christopher Hill. 'He'll want an Xbox, a PlayStation Portable and one of those cool camera phones.'

Source: The Borowitz Report

Tiger takes it

2005-07-18T15:04:00.000-04:00

With his five stroke Victory at the 2005 British Open Tiger joins Nicklaus as only the second player to win each of the majors twice ... becomes the youngest player to win the four majors twice ... becomes only the third player to reach double-digits in majors.

Man sets self on fire in bid to get custody of son.

2005-07-16T22:35:00.000-04:00

What better way to show you're ready to accept responsibility for raising your child?

Military stretched too thin

2005-07-14T10:30:00.000-04:00

"U.S. MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WAGE WAR AGAINST IRAQ AND GAY MARRIAGE AT THE SAME TIME

War on Obesity Also in Jeopardy, White House Concedes

Signaling a shift in strategy, the White House acknowledged today that the United States may not possess adequate forces to wage war against Iraq and gay marriage at the same time.

In the past, Pentagon planners had always formulated their budget requests on the assumption that the U.S. must be able to fight the insurgency in Iraq and the rising tide of gay marriages at home simultaneously, but that calculus has changed, the White House said.

In a press briefing, spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged the difficulties of trying to wipe out the insurgency and gay weddings at the same time: 'It turns out that these insurgents are more determined than we originally expected, and so are these damn gay couples.'

Mr. McClellan also raised the possibility that the insurgency in Iraq could prevent the U.S. from continuing to fight the war on obesity.

'Let's face it, folks,' Mr. McClellan said. 'For the near term at least, we may be looking at a gayer, fatter America.'

Mr. McClellan's statements drew a sharp rebuke from Dr. Charles Helsinger, a persistent critic of the Pentagon who believes that the proposed shift in strategy is short-sighted: 'While we are in Iraq, why don't we try to take out a few gay weddings and fat people over there? The time has come for these Pentagon pinheads to think outside the box.'

Elsewhere, after a visitor to Disney-MGM Studios suffered cardiac arrest while riding the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, park officials said they would rename the ride 'Vioxx Mountain.' "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Hockey this year?

2005-07-13T11:10:00.000-04:00

Deal to be done today

The joys of Golf

2005-07-10T10:21:00.000-04:00

As some of you may or may not know I've recently taken advantage of the lessons I take to get my scores down. From shooting in the 120's in April at Myrtle Beach to shooting in the 90's in June on the return trip, I can't say enough about the need for some professional involvement when it comes to improving your game.

Well, another milestone was reached this weekend. As those of you who know me already know, I've been fighting to get below 90 for most of this month. I've actually hit 90 on the nose at least half a dozen times, and missed 89 by mere inches (literally). Playing yesterday at the Exeter Country Club in Rhode Island (beautiful course, highly recommended), I shot a 45 on the front nine and assumed that it would be another case of a round in the low 90's. It seems fate and the Golf Gods would have other ideas as I tore through the back nine at a mere three over par 39 which crushed my previous best game by six strokes to card an 84 for the day. My best round ever. The back nine played like a dream, no wasted shots and even the few wayward ones I hit I was able to scramble around to make par. I started the tenth with a bogey by getting up and down out of the sand, then three pars in a row before bogeying the next hole, then hit a 260 yard drive to about 85 yards out and stuck a sand wedge within two feet of the flag, birdied that one. Finished up the back nine by getting up and down on the final par 5.

There are days when it seems like nothing is going right and every shot is a chore. Keep the days when you're blessed and 'in the zone', they don't come around that often.

National Security

2005-07-01T09:03:00.000-04:00

U.S. TO CREATE ONE NEW SPY AGENCY FOR EVERY TERRORIST ON EARTH

50,000 New Agencies Could Be Up and Running By Early 2020

Hoping to ramp up its efforts in the war on terror, President George W. Bush announced today that the United States would create one new spy agency for every terrorist on the planet.

The ambitious plan, which would involve the creation of over fifty thousand new intelligence agencies, could be fully implemented by as early as 2020, the President said.

'We are dealing with an enemy who is evil, determined, and will stop at nothing to destroy our freedom,' Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House. 'The only way to fight an enemy like that is with a massive new bureaucracy.'

To kick off the new initiative, President Bush authorized funds to create an agency devoted solely to hunting down terror suspect Fahd Faraj Al-tuwajari of Saudi Arabia.

With a staff of over one hundred, the Central Fahd Faraj Al-tuwajari Intelligence Agency 'will bring the fight to Mr. Fahd Faraj Al-tuwajari,' the President said.

But even as Mr. Bush launched his ambitious new program, some in Congress worried that coordinating the activities of fifty thousand spy agencies would require the creation of at least ten to twenty thousand additional 'super-spy agencies.'

Still, Mr. Bush remained convinced that even if seventy thousand new agencies are ultimately required, his proposal was the only way to protect the country: 'We must stop the terrorists before they attack us, or become President of Iran.'

Elsewhere, the singer Bobby Brown said he hoped his new reality series, 'Being Bobby Brown,' would be as successful as the last TV show he appeared on, 'Cops.' "

Source: The Borowitz Report

At the Movies

2005-06-30T21:46:00.000-04:00

Hadn't seen a movie in ages (at the theatre anyway) so went to see one recently. War of the Worlds was opening but figured it was going to be too packed so I saw Batman Begins.

I really enjoyed it. I've seen some of the previous Burton Batman films and thought they were good. I actually liked this one better. The same director who did Memento (which I loved) did this film and it plays much less 'cartoony' than the originals. The action is more 'realistic' if you can use that term to describe a comicbook character. The well known tale of an heir to millions watching his parents die is followed up with an explanation as to just how he gets the training that makes him so deadly. There are elements of Frank Miller's Batman nestled in the plot and some of the action. The fight scenes are marred by camera angles that are too tight and choppy for my taste-I like to see a well choreographed fight scene clearly played out, but it doesn't put a stop on the fun. The end left the door open for a sequel which I would see if it were done.

I guess the most telling thing was I would have watched Batman Begins again, but didn't feel the same urge to see Revenge of the Sith. In terms of the recent spate of comic heros turned feature films, I'd put this one up with the best of them, Spiderman 2 and X-men 2. They'd make the short-list of movies I'd pay to see again. I'll definitely be picking this up when it's released on DVD.

Pokah

2005-06-21T10:11:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've commented on how my evening has gone at the poker table. Last night went very well, never having to buy in, winning the only time I went all in and catching good cards at the end of the night, which is far preferable to catching them early on. Finishing up with a K-10o that hit two pair on the flop then boated on the turn was a nice way to finish things. Having someone there calling it all down, and even raising into me, was even better. Went nicely with the nut flush draw I'd had the hand before that hit on the turn. All in all a good time was had by me. I left $70 in the black and shot a 71 at Birch Plains earlier in the evening. Not a bad way to spend an evening.

Myrtle Beach ver.2005

2005-06-19T15:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I arrived home late last night flying in from Charlotte, NC. I'd spent a week in beautiful Myrtle Beach playing golf and seeing the sights. It had been my second golf trip to that area this year and the second time proved to be more satisfying from a golfing perspective. We played five different courses, some of which I'd played last year, all of which were in great shape and beautifully laid out.

Sunday started at Farmstead Golf Club, which has the distinction of having the region's only par-6 (679 yards from the white tees) where you actually tee-off in North Carolina and putt out in South Carolina. The golfing vacation got off to an inauspicious start when my first drive went out of bounds into what I was to discover was impossible waist high rough. A drop later and my 160-yard approach to the first green goes left again for yet another drop. Not bad, two swings, two lost balls. Next hole, tee shot is fine, approach shot with a 5-wood goes right into the reeds guarding the hole. Two holes, three lost balls. I did manage to settle down a little after that but the afternoon wasn't great. By the end of the round I'd lost or had to drop ten balls, and ended up shooting a 106, could have been much worse under the circumstances. Still the course was in great shape and very challenging.

Next up was the Moorland course at Legends. A difficult course with lots of water, I played better on this one until I came to their signature 16th hole, a short 275 yard par-4, nicknamed "Hell's Half Acre" for the one-story bunkers that ring the green. Of course, I went for it and wound up with an 8. That'll teach me. Still, a score of 95 was far better than the 118 I'd shot earlier in the year.

We went from there to Aberdeen Golf Links, a course I'd never played. It was very hot that day with the heat index well into the 100's, but I liked the course and shot a 90, birdieing the last par five and parring the final hole. Still couldn't creep into the 80's though.

Thisle was the next course, one I'd played a year ago on my first trip to Myrtle Beach. I'd loved the layout and conditions then and it was just as nice this time around. The course played very tough with tons of sand and water protecting the greens. I once again managed a 90 by three-putting the last two holes. At this point I was wondering if I should be checking to see how close I was, perhaps knowing would cause me to play differently (better)? In any case, it was a marked improvement over how I shot last year and was great to play again.

My last shot was Brunswick Plantation. I started off with a lost ball so didn't think things would go well, but I settled down and came in with a 45 on the front nine, birdieing one par four. One shot lower on the back and I could come in with an 89. Coming into the last two holes, a par 4 & 5, I needed to shoot a combined ten to make 90, a nine to hit 89. I took too aggressive a line on my tee shot on 17, clipping a bunker and forcing me to layup. My approach shot made it to the green and I holed a miracle fifteen footer to keep it at a bogey, so I needed a birdie on the last hole to break 90. The final hole was bracketed by water on the right, and sand on the left. Figuring sand was safer than water, I took a line to the left and proceeded to rip a beautiful duck hook straight right directly into the lake. There went my ball and my shot at the 80's. I managed to lose two more ball on that final hole, closing out with an abysmal ten to finish at 95.

All in all a great week and something I'll look forward to doing next year.

Enough?

2005-06-07T08:29:00.000-04:00

This past week those of us who follow golf watched the story of a legend come to an end as Jack Nicklaus played his last tournament in North America. When he plays St. Andrews later this summer it will mark the end of a long and illustrious career. Jack knew to hang it up when he could no longer compete. Do all competitors have that kind of self-knowledge?

Last night I saw something I never thought I'd see. I watched the Legend, the Vault, poker personified, complain that it's impossible to win at Monday's table. I watched him lower his self imposed cash limit mid-evening, then watched him slink off, a shadow of his former self, to play Halo while the rest of us divided the spoils.

What was it that started the descent? Was the first sign watching him shiver under a quilt in a warm room with a blazing fire burning three feet from him? Were the bones simply old and weary? A bad beat perhaps? A straight losing to a hidden boat? One too many draw outs? Was that the first time we heard the faint murmurings of the need to get 'fresh meat' and 'easier money' at the table? Is that what the Lion has been reduced to? Rolling drunks and stealing cookie money from Girl Scouts? Did someone hide his magic visor? His lucky pin? Did Patrick foresake him? Playing confused and bewildered, it looked to the table like he hardly knew where he was, let alone whose deal it was, whose blind it was and who the action was to. Was the Vault really drinking Iced Tea last night? His tequila bottle forgotten on the shelf, growing dusty? I don't have the answers, perhaps no one does.

Come back to us Vault. We know you have some game left. Don't hang it up. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for all those poker rookies, picking up their first Sklansky book and dreaming of holding onto their 5c to make a straight flush. Do it for the children.

What a freakin' joke

2005-05-29T00:06:00.000-04:00

ESPN declines NHL option for next season

The NHL is turning into the Arena Football, Monster Truck Pull, Poker League.

Oh wait, those other sports get higher television ratings.

The Joys of Summer Golf

2005-05-23T11:06:00.000-04:00

The weather has finally gotten nicer and allowed those of us who partake of this fine sport a chance to head out there and slash around the fields and trees of Connecticut. The last few weeks have been golf-filled to say the least. If not on the actual course then half an hour spent at the driving range working on different things. This summer is shaping up particularly well since through various other activities it appears there will be more people involved and closer competition which always makes things more interesting.

After fighting for a few years with some swing issues this past weekend I managed to creep back into the mid-seventies at Birch Plain and shot my first sub-100 round since Caledonia in Myrtle Beach a year ago. Of course, the time you think you've 'figured it out', is usually you go out again and tack on an additional twenty strokes to your round but at least it's good to know the potential is there.

So after having shot yet another 80-plus round at Birch Plain with Tom, Jay & Kirk (and losing one dollar cash money in the process), I went back out again on Saturday and shot a 74. Much better. Then headed to a course in Rhode Island called Wood River and shot a 95 which felt very good indeed. My driver and five-wood were working like buttah, getting me close and inside 100 yards for all but the longest par-4s. And for a change my wedges didn't desert me while that was happening (usually one club takes the day off if another is working, must be a union thing).

US Students lead world in Star Wars Knowledge

2005-05-18T08:24:00.000-04:00

Dept. of Education Hails New Test Scores

U.S. students, long assailed for lagging the students of other nations in math and science, lead the world in their knowledge and comprehension of 'Star Wars' trivia, the Department of Education announced today.

The positive findings were the result of a standardized 'Star Wars' trivia test administered to all U.S. high school students during the 2004-5 school year, in which students were quizzed on their knowledge of such crucial 'Star Wars' concepts as the Clone Wars, the Jedi Council and the Sith.

'These results should leave little doubt that the president's 'No Child Left Behind' program is making a difference,' said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. 'When it comes to understanding 'Star Wars,' our children leave the rest of the world behind.'

While recent test scores have shown that U.S. students have difficulty adding, subtracting, and finding the nation of Mexico on a world map, the 'Star Wars' trivia test paints an entirely different picture -- one of academic excellence.

In addition to their stellar performance in the field of 'Star Wars,' Secretary Spellings said that a recent study shows that American students' mastery of the Sony PlayStation Portable outpaces that of students in Europe and the Far East.

'As the world economy becomes increasingly driven by 'Star Wars' movies and handheld computer games, American students are uniquely poised to lead the way,' the Education Secretary said. 'May the Force be with them!'

Elsewhere, Harvard President Lawrence Summers said he would spend $50 million to make Harvard's faculty more diverse and an additional $10 million to send flowers and candy to female faculty members.

Source: The Borowitz Report

Finally, some good news from Iraq

2005-05-10T08:10:00.000-04:00

RUMSFELD UPGRADES IRAQ FROM QUAGMIRE TO MORASS

Situation Disastrous But Not Catastrophic, Defense Sec'y Says

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon today that the conflict in Iraq had improved to the point that it could no longer be considered a quagmire and should now be thought of as a morass.

'After taking a look at what is going on there on the ground, it is my judgment that it is time to upgrade Iraq from quagmire to morass,' Mr. Rumsfeld said, adding that he was 'very confident' in making the new assessment.

The Defense Secretary said that the decision to invade Iraq could no longer be considered 'a boneheaded mistake of unthinkable proportions' and should now be thought of as 'a colossal error we will regret for years to come.'

'That's a measure of how much things have improved,' he said. 'Anyone who takes a look at the big picture over there would come away saying that the situation is disastrous but not catastrophic.'

In order to fight the perception that the war in Iraq is going badly, Mr. Rumsfeld said he would ask Congress for an additional $37 billion dollars to go toward euphemisms and synonyms.

Mr. Rumsfeld appeared to bristle at the question of one reporter, Charles Dolgian of the Toledo Blade, who asked if it was still appropriate to refer to the war in Iraq as 'a train wreck.'

'It is most decidedly not a train wreck,' Mr. Rumsfeld said. 'It is a train derailment in which the train hurtles down into the embankment and bursts into flames.' ",

Source: the Borowitz Report

Golf season begins

2005-05-05T11:14:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night's golfing league kicked off last night and fortunately for me I didn't have what had become another in a long line of elevated scores and frustration. We play a nine-hole round at Pequot and I managed a 46 for the round. That in spite of putting a dismal nineteen times in nine holes. My iron play was pretty good and I had nary a dropped or lost ball the whole round. My pitching could have been closer to the pin but again, no skulled shots or flubs that sometimes creep in. Much better than the mid-fifties and higher(!) I'd shot down at Myrtle Beach. Hopefully this is the start of bigger and better things. With my knee on the mend I'll be back to take a few lessons with my teaching pro who'll shave a few strokes here and there. It's nice to have the bag back in the trunk where it belongs.

Science at work

2005-05-04T08:50:00.000-04:00

STUDY: SOME STAR WARS FANS HAVE SEX

New Data Confounds Conventional Wisdom

As the countdown continues to the release of 'Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith,' a new study indicates that contrary to the conventional wisdom, a small but significant number of 'Star Wars' fans may actually have sex.

Dr. Davis Preedon, who supervised the study for the University of Minnesota, said that while sexually active 'Star Wars' fans still represent a tiny minority of the fan base, the fact that any 'Star Wars' fans at all have sex may force scientists to reevaluate their theories about this little-understood population.

'The prevailing profile of the 'Star Wars' fan as a geek who spends ten hours a day on the Internet trying to dig up details of the new film's plotline is only one piece of the puzzle,' he said. 'For every one thousand 'Star Wars' fans who meet that description, there is another one who has a girlfriend.'

Shane Losby, 27, a sexually active 'Star Wars' fan from Gary, Indiana, says he has tried for years to convince people that he has sex but 'it's really tough to get them to look past the whole 'Star Wars' thing.'

Dr. Preedon said his next research project is to test the conventional wisdom that 'Star Trek' fans do not have sex: 'We've just started the preliminary research, but so far that theory seems to be holding up.'

Elsewhere, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that with the U.S. bogged down in Iraq, the only way to contend with the Axis of Evil will be by somehow convincing North Korea to attack Iran. "

Pope requests audience with Bono

2005-04-23T21:52:00.000-04:00

In his first official act since being named leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI said that he had requested an audience with Bono, the leader of the platinum-selling rock band U2.

Speaking from a balcony at the Vatican to a crowd of 500,000, the newly elected pontiff said that building a relationship with Bono would be 'Job One' of his tenure as pope.

The Church's ties with Bono dominated the top-secret discussions leading to the election of the new pope, several cardinals speaking on condition of unanimity have confirmed.

Bono's close working relationship with Pope John Paul II has long been considered one of the Church's greatest assets, prompting concern that the new pope might have a tough act to follow in securing the crucial support of the U2 leader.

'As a German, Pope Benedict XVI has always had closer ties to German bands like The Scorpions,' one cardinal said. 'He's been known to whistle 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' while strolling about the Vatican.'

Performing at the Pepsi Center in Denver last night, Bono interrupted U2's hit song 'Vertigo' to give what was described as a 'brief but heartfelt shout-out' to Pope Benedict XVI.

According to one unnamed cardinal, Bono's shout-out drew sighs of relief in Vatican circles: 'Next to the white smoke, that shout-out from Bono was the sign we've all been waiting for.'

Elsewhere, Michael Jackson told reporters today that he thinks his trial is 'going well,' a sign that his lawyers may be trying to build a case for insanity"

Source: The Borowitz Report

Driving range

2005-04-20T22:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I hit the driving range today, exactly one week after my knee surgery and apart from the bloodsoaked jeans from the ruptured sutures, it went pretty well.

Actually I just hit some light pitches with my wedges. Tried for some distance control. Knee felt fine so I went ahead and hit some 8 & 9 irons and didn't appear to lose any distance even though I was aware of my knee and made sure I didn't overswing. Bodes well for getting back out there in early May. I'll have to see how it feels tomorrow. That will be the real test.

The fates are unkind

2005-04-19T09:49:00.000-04:00

For those of you not in contact with me on a regular basis I went in for knee surgery last week to repair some damage done playing floor hockey. It marked the second time I've been in for the same surgery but I did change things up by injuring the other knee.

And of course the moment I went under the temperature went into the mid-seventies and there hasn't been a cloud in the sky for a week. I guess I consider myself fortunate that my knee held out for my Myrtle Beach trip.

Cardinals dealocked over lunch order

2005-04-18T10:29:00.000-04:00

"The papal conclave hit a speed bump in its very first day as cardinals convening in Vatican City became deadlocked over which restaurant to order takeout from, sources said.

While the deliberations behind the walls of the Sistine Chapel are traditionally shrouded in secrecy, when the clock struck at 2 PM and no food had yet arrived, rumors circulated that the cardinals were bitterly split over where to order their lunch.

According to one insider, approximately half the cardinals in attendance were in favor of some form of Chinese takeout, while the other half favored a more unconventional choice, a tapas restaurant that recently opened in the neighborhood and that several prominent cardinals reportedly said 'looked interesting.'

Those familiar with the often heated discussions over the lunch order said that the dean of the College of Cardinals, Joseph Ratzinger, 78, tried to rein in the number of choices right off the bat by ruling out a restaurant he referred to only as 'that Thai place.'

Complicating the debate, one source said, was the fact that so many local eateries have been slipping their takeout menus under the Vatican's front door, defying a clearly posted sign warning against such a practice.

'There is some hope that sushi will emerge as a consensus choice, but that remains to be seen,' the source said, 'Compared to this, choosing a pope is going to be a snap.'

Elsewhere, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said that he is so confident he will win his ethics fight that he just doubled his family's salary. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

US drivers fume as gas prices soar

2005-04-10T08:49:00.000-04:00

But I want my 5000 pound SUV!

Good thing they don't work for Walmart or Home Depot

2005-04-10T08:43:00.000-04:00

Medical Boards Let Physicians Practice Despite Drug Abuse

They'd be out on their asses.

Mister Hand returns

2005-04-09T08:53:00.000-04:00

I'd been away, but now I'm back. I was basking in the glow of the warm South Carolina sun for a week's worth of golf at Myrtle Beach. The photo above was taken at the signature 10th hole of the Jack Nicklaus designed Long Bay course, a beautiful course. I played eight rounds in five days and bought some new hardware (Callaway Big Bertha 5 wood). We stayed at Barefoot Resort and the trip was a blast. It's also nice to come back up North and find the temperature has crept into the livable range. Golf season has begun!

Severe earthquake in Indonesia has no effects on Shiavo case

2005-03-31T13:27:00.000-05:00

A severe earthquake measuring 8.7 on the Richter scale which struck Indonesia on Tuesday had 'little or no effect' on the Terri Schiavo case, the 24-hour news networks confirmed today.

The networks made the announcement to explain why they had for the most part retained their massive media presence outside Ms. Schiavo's hospice in Florida while offering scant coverage of the Indonesian disaster, which has so far resulted in a death toll topping 1,000.

'While the Indonesian earthquake appears to be a disaster of unspeakable magnitude, it is difficult to see it having any lasting impact on the Schiavo story,' one network source said. 'The public trusts us to deliver Schiavo news on a 24-hour-a-day basis and we do not intend to betray that trust.'

Consistent with that mission, the networks today asked the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals for an emergency ruling that would keep the Schiavo story alive at least until May sweeps.

Joining in the appeal was the Rev. Jesse Jackson, who told reporters today that 'we must do everything in our power to keep these television cameras rolling.'

'There is no rational reason for disconnecting these TV cameras as long as they are pointed at my face,' Rev. Jackson said. 'As long as there is publicity, there is hope.'

Elsewhere, to pay his respects to the late Johnnie Cochran, former football great O.J. Simpson said he would take one day off from looking for the real killers of his wife Nicole."

Source: The Borowitz Report

God Blasts Tom Delay

2005-03-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

'Enough is Enough,' Says Almighty

In a rare public appearance that leading theologians called 'extraordinary,' God held a press conference in Washington on Sunday to disavow the recent words and deeds of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas).

The normally reclusive Ruler of the Universe took the unusual step of speaking to reporters to blast Rep. DeLay for repeatedly invoking His name in political fundraising appeals.

'I usually don't like to shoot my mouth off about every little thing that bugs me,' the surprisingly outspoken Supreme Being said. 'But enough is enough.'

After complaining about Rep. DeLay's unauthorized use of His name in fundraising pitches, God warned the Texas congressman to discontinue the practice at once 'or else.'

When asked if He intended to strike Rep. DeLay with a lightning bolt, God replied with a terse 'no comment,' but later said, 'I've been known to smite people in the past, and I'm not prepared to take smiting off the table.'

Hours after God's press briefing concluded, a spokesperson for Rep. DeLay issued a one-sentence statement saying that the congressman and the Almighty remain on good terms and that he hoped to have God's support in the 2006 midterm elections.

But Dr. Harland Minter of the University of Minnesota's School of Divinity said that Rep. DeLay would be well advised to heed God's words of warning: 'It means a lot that God took the trouble to hold a press conference, especially on His day off.'

Elsewhere, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans favor disconnecting Pat O'Brien's telephone. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Social Security alternate fix

2005-03-21T10:57:00.000-05:00

"After receiving only muted support for his sweeping proposals to overhaul Social Security, President George W. Bush attempted to sweeten the pot today, offering all retirees the opportunity to serve in Iraq.

With most insiders calling the president's proposal for individual investment accounts dead on arrival in Congress, the White House hopes that Mr. Bush's offer of guaranteed military service to all retired Americans will find more favor.

Speaking at a rally in Detroit today, the president told his audience, 'In the year 2054, the Social Security trust fund will be bankrupt, but the war in Iraq will be alive and well.'

Under his new plan, the president said, upon reaching the age of 59 every participant in the Social Security program would be offered the opportunity to begin basic training for what Mr. Bush called 'the adventure of their lives.'

According to the president, retirees would be 'totally free to choose' which Iraqi city they would like to patrol from a list of twenty cities including Baghdad, Tikrit, Fallujah, and oil-rich Kirkuk.

Mr. Bush added that the average retiree serving in Iraq would earn approximately $1500 a month, which would be boosted to $1800 if the retiree should somehow stumble across weapons of mass destruction.

In Washington, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said he was 'intrigued' by the notion of spending his retirement years in Iraq but that he had decided to run the World Bank instead.

Elsewhere, antiwar protesters across Europe marked the second anniversary of President Bush ignoring antiwar protesters across Europe."

Source: The Borowitz Report

Bush Diplomacy

2005-03-18T16:13:00.000-05:00

Keep building those bridges

Battle lines hardened yesterday over President Bush's nomination of Paul D. Wolfowitz to become president of the World Bank, as U.S. officials pressed for swift approval by the bank's board and some European officials vowed to resist.

The deputy defense secretary's nomination, already hugely controversial because of his role as a key architect of the Iraq war, drew fresh denunciations in European capitals, where critics fumed that Washington had failed to consult other member countries of the bank before springing its choice on them. By tradition, the United States gets to pick the bank's president, but the decision must be approved by the board, which has always operated by consensus.

Thursday Night Poker follies

2005-03-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well another evening of poker has come and gone. Last night proved what I think is a truism; "It is better to catch cards at the end of the night than at the beginning".

I treaded water for a while but was badly beaten on a few hands, usually with top pair and good to great kicker going down to a sneaky two-pair. Shit happens. Still, I managed to avoid buying in until much later in the evening despite the bad beats. At one point my hand count ran badly in the negative, down almost seven to two, but eventually evened up by evening's end with 18 hands played (that's on the high side for me), nine for, nine against. I did seem to catch a fair amount of paint during the evening but it didn't pay off until quite late.

Fortunately for me the hands that I did win featured larger pots than those I lost. A few seconds of hesitation convinced KK that I'd tripped up in one hand (I think I had bottom pair). The hand that really turned things around was against JL. The details are hazy but I believe I was BB and raised with AQ pre-flop (although I'm not sure if that's the case, I may have just played it from there). The flop came down A-Q-X, giving me two pair and pairing his Q-10. I bet out $3 I think and he called, there might have been one caller behind us but I don't think that was the case. Another Q peeled off on the turn, boating me and giving him trips. I was a afraid that if I bet too big I would scare him off so I did my best Brando and hesitated a bit then bet out $2. I should have known he was pleased since he'd already moved a stack of reds out of his tray and he was itching to throw them in. He immediately raised me $4 (he wanted to go $8 but was told that wasn't allowed, I would have made an exception for him for this hand though) and I re-raised him $4. The river was a blank and I bet out $4, he called and that was all she wrote. I ended the evening up $61 and put myself further into the black. Not bad for an evening that started out poorly.

Homeland Insecurity

2005-03-17T09:55:00.000-05:00

US Debt to China growing daily

"The excessive tax cuts for the rich, combined with a total lack of discipline on spending by the Bush team and its Republican-run Congress, have helped China become the second-largest holder of U.S. debt, with a little under $200 billion worth. No, I don't think China will start dumping its T-bills on a whim. But don't tell me that as China buys up more and more of our debt - and that is the only way we can finance the tax holiday the Bush team wants to make permanent - it won't limit our room to maneuver with Beijing, should it take aggressive steps toward Taiwan.

What China might do with all its U.S. T-bills in the event of a clash over Taiwan is a total wild card that we have put in Beijing's hands."

CIA's Assurances On Transferred Suspects Doubted

2005-03-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

No kidding

"Another U.S. government official who visited several foreign prisons where suspects were rendered by the CIA after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, said: 'It's beyond that. It's widely understood that interrogation practices that would be illegal in the U.S. are being used.'
The CIA inspector general recently launched a review of the rendition system, and some members of Congress are demanding a thorough probe. Canada, Sweden, Germany and Italy have started investigations into the participation of their security services in CIA renditions.
The House voted 420 to 2 yesterday to prohibit the use of supplemental appropriations to support actions that contravene anti-torture statutes. The measure's co-author, Rep. Edward J. Markey (D-Mass.), singled out renditions, saying 'diplomatic assurances not to torture are not credible, and the administration knows it.' "

Duh department

2005-03-16T11:14:00.001-05:00

Greenspan admits he got it wrong over Bush's tax cuts

"The chairman of the US Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has admitted he made a mistake in 2001 when he defended President George Bush's tax cuts, which led to the turnaround of a large budget surplus at the end of the Clinton presidency to a budget deficit this year of more than $US400 billion ($506 billion).

Instead of a projected surplus of $US5.6 trillion by 2011, the budget deficit is now expected to be $US4 trillion by that date if the tax cuts become permanent.

Dr Greenspan's defence of the tax cuts was always viewed as highly unusual for a Reserve chairman who is mandated to be non-political and whose main responsibility is to determine US interest rates and help keep inflation in check.

But Dr Greenspan has long been seen as a partisan figure by Democrats and was described last week by the Senate minority leader, Harry Reid, as the "biggest political hack in Washington".

Interesting article on tax cuts

2005-03-15T15:24:00.000-05:00

To Trump Bush on Taxes

The 2001 tax debate was just a warm-up. The real sweepstakes will come as the administration pursues comprehensive and permanent tax reform. Progressives must do more than argue against the president's additional tax cuts. They need to offer their own comprehensive reform plan. They must also seize the moral high ground on this issue. Comprehensive tax reform should be based on three principles: a commitment to fairness, rewarding hard work and the belief that a good tax system must be easy to understand. In addition, reform should aim to promote new opportunity and shared prosperity for the middle class, which only come through economic growth.

Damn, I'm in the wrong business

2005-03-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

Pentagon Audit Questions Halliburton's Costs in Iraq

Pentagon auditors found more than $100 million in questionable costs in one section of a massive, no-bid Halliburton Co. contract for delivering fuel to Iraq, according to a summary of their report released yesterday by congressional Democrats.

The audit faulted Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root Inc. for providing cost data that did not match its accounting records, and for failing to negotiate lower prices for fuel from a Kuwaiti supplier. The audit also described as "illogical" a case in which KBR reported it had purchased liquefied gas for $82,100, and then spent $27.5 million to transport it.

That must have been one hell of a truck.

China and our debt

2005-03-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

Red Debt Threat illuminated

Apparently owing China billions is no big deal. In fact, China may want to prop up our dollar since they're owed so many of them.

Our long national nightmare is over

2005-03-15T10:03:00.000-05:00

Federal Regulators OK Desperate Housewives MNF striptease

It's safe to watch television again. Our government is on it.

The skid ends

2005-03-14T22:48:00.000-05:00

Well my two week skid ended last night, finishing up $17. Even though my ratio of hands won to hands lost was quite good (8-3), the hands where I dropped ended up having a higher amount of cash in them, which ate into my final totals. QQ going up against AA and the nut flush draw not coming. In each instance I probably should have dropped the hands. Fortunately the rest of the evening went pretty well.

Tracking the evening's events makes for interesting information when it's all said and done. Since I have been keeping records on average I've been winning hands at around a 2:1 ratio. Last night I saw several instances where I could have flopped two pair by staying in with marginal cards, but attempting to hit on those will eventually bleed out my money in blind after blind, hoping for a long-shot. It's rare that I have the highest winning total for an evening but it's also rare for me to be dipping deep into my bankroll.

Bankruptcy Bill illustrated

2005-03-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

Fair and balanced defined

2005-03-14T15:16:00.000-05:00

On Fox News, No Shortage of Opinion, Study Finds

In an interview, Fox's executive daytime producer, Jerry Burke, says: "I encourage the anchors to be themselves. I'm certainly not going to step in and censor an anchor on any issue. . . . You don't want to look at a cookie-cutter, force-feeding of the same items hour after hour. I think that's part of the success of the channel, not treating our anchors like drones. They're, number one, Americans, and number two, human beings, as well as journalists."

CNN spokeswoman Christa Robinson says the study "reaffirms what anyone watching CNN already knows: CNN's reporting is driven by news, not opinion." MSNBC declined to comment.

Nothing like stacking the deck

2005-03-14T10:54:00.000-05:00

Warning: Ethics-Free Zone

"Last week's tumultuous events cap a year in which the committee took the extraordinary step of issuing three admonitions to House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Tex.), infuriating the majority leader and his supporters. In the aftermath, the ethics panel's chairman, Rep. Joel Hefley (R-Colo.), and two other committee Republicans were removed and replaced with those more loyal to the Republican team. In addition, the GOP leadership did its best to neuter the committee by rewriting the rules for the new Congress. When their own members were too embarrassed to go along, the leadership was forced to backtrack on some of the most egregious changes. It left in place three others, leading to the current standoff. "

Tired of ethics, remove those who disagree with you and change the rules. Bravo!

Think outside the box

2005-03-14T08:55:00.000-05:00

"Acknowledging the legal barriers to torturing detainees in U.S. custody, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales confirmed today that the Justice Department was exploring the feasibility of torturing prisoners in outer space.

According to a Justice Department memo, lawyers for the department are exploring whether interrogation methods banned by the Geneva Conventions would be legal if used on a space station orbiting the earth, or perhaps on the moon.

The memo validated rumors that the Bush administration was actively planning to begin launching detainees from Guantanamo Bay into orbit in order to expand the menu of available interrogation options.

Under the plan, the detainees would be reclassified as 'detastronauts' and would no longer be protected by international law, but rather by the somewhat less defined rules of outer space.

In Washington, Mr. Gonzales denied that the memo represented a shift away from his earlier disavowals of torture, arguing that torturing prisoners in zero gravity conditions was merely a case of 'thinking outside the box.'

'The United States government steadfastly maintains that torture is never appropriate,' Mr. Gonzales said, 'on this planet.'

But according to Dr. Tammy Nabel, a professor of astrophysics at the University of Minnesota, torturing prisoners in outer space may be 'easier said then done.'

'There are major challenges inherent in torturing prisoners in zero gravity,' Dr. Nabel said. 'For one thing, it's really hard to make those hoods stay on.'

Elsewhere, in an effort to boost the anemic ratings of its boxing reality show 'The Contender,' NBC announced today that the winner would beat up the winner of 'American Idol.'"

Source: The Borowitz Report

Europeans Investigate CIA Role in Abductions

2005-03-13T21:35:00.000-05:00

Those pesky Europeans and their human rights thingies.

A radical Egyptian cleric known as Abu Omar was walking to a Milan mosque for noon prayers in February 2003 when he was grabbed on the sidewalk by two men, sprayed in the face with chemicals and stuffed into a van. He hasn't been seen since.

The Bush administration has received backing for renditions from governments that have been criticized for their human rights records, including Egypt, Jordan and Pakistan, where many of the suspects are taken for interrogation. But the administration is getting a much different reception in Europe, where lawmakers and prosecutors are questioning whether the practice is a blatant violation of local sovereignty and human rights.

More powerful than the Curse of Patrick?

2005-03-12T00:11:00.000-05:00

The Curse of Mister Hand.

This curse is powerful enough to effect the lives and livelihoods of whole professional sports organizations. How does it work, might you ask? Quite simply, any team wearing Black and Gold loses in my presence. I cannot explain it but there it is. While the underdog Habs were battling the Bruins and down 3-1 in the playoffs, a lead that heretofore had never been relinquished, it was my presence at the Fleetcenter that fateful night that turned the tide against the Cromagnon like Bruins and led to their eventual stunning collapse and exit from the playoffs. I almost blew it when the final game was played in Boston and I had the option to go. I opted to stay home instead and watch it on TV. That decision kept the game close for two periods until the natural talent of the Canadiens proved too much for their knuckle-dragging, mouth breathing competitors. Apparently the curse has a maximum effective radius.

Typical oafish Bruin? Or hapless victim of demonic forces?

It also works on the Providence Bruins. Witness their incredible losing streak when I'm in the building, now at four games-every one I've been to this season-much to the chagrin of KK, who has now taken to odd personal hygiene habits, unwashed underwear, sweaters worn inside-out, jerseys worn, jerseys not worn, beer samplers drank in exactly the same order, lucky parking spots, lucky seats and lucky sections. None of it matters. At the end of the evening he leaves crushed and broken-hearted, tears freezing on his cheeks shouldering aside little old ladies as he barrels past them in his haste to get away from the Dunkin Donuts Center. So blinded by grief his poor newlywed bride must throw herself across the hood of his car, TJ Hooker-like, to prevent him from leaving without her. Who could blame him? It's all more than any mortal man could bear.

Alas, the curse does have its own victims of friendly fire, witness the Steelers loss to the Patriots this season. Their earlier regular season victory over the Pats was, of course, not televised, giving my curse no active feed to the team in black and gold. I know I should have been anywhere but in front of a television when they played the AFC championship game, but I thought perhaps the fact that it was in Pittsburgh would mean they were outside effective curse radius. It proved a foolhardy decision on my part. On the bright side I anticipated the possibility that the curse would work against my team and so bet heavily on the Pats and enjoyed a nice windfall which helped to cushion the blow.

So fans of the Bruins, Steelers, Penguins and Pirates beware. You'll never know when I'll be watching or attending. I might even be sitting next to you and when the puck flashes past your goalie and you moan and curse the fates, I'll smile and know it was all me.

Welfare vs. Wall St.

2005-03-11T13:37:00.000-05:00

Interesting article on Social Security

The idea of personal accounts is that Wall Street should triumph over the welfare state. Just the opposite might occur: The welfare state would triumph over Wall Street. The money flowing into personal accounts would not be invested according to the "free market." Individuals wouldn't have the freedom to invest in Microsoft, General Electric or eBay. Instead, it would be invested according to rules made by Congress, influenced by politics. There would be unrelenting pressure from interest groups, "experts" and public opinion.

The danger is that investment decisions would become unduly politicized and that the economy would consequently suffer. The rules governing which stocks could or couldn't be purchased for personal accounts might become irrational or counterproductive. The reason is that what personal accounts aim to accomplish is inherently difficult, perhaps impossible. The economic and social roles of Wall Street and the welfare state are fundamentally opposed. The attempt to blend them through personal accounts would create massive contradictions.

The role of Wall Street is to move investment funds to their most productive uses. If the process works well, the economy expands, living standards rise and the stock market advances. But inevitably there are losers, because Wall Street is an exercise in collective risk-taking. A free market means continuous trial and error.

By contrast, the welfare state is an exercise in collective risk reduction. It strives to provide some security -- aka the "safety net" -- against life's misfortunes and the economy's upsets. It aims to protect society's poorest and weakest members. We have many welfare programs. Social Security is the largest and most popular.

How to avoid ethics investigations

2005-03-11T13:21:00.000-05:00

Change the rules

The committee met in secret for 2 1/2 hours. It was the first meeting since House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) replaced the chairman and two other members with lawmakers more loyal to the leadership. "These rules undermine the ability of the committee to do its job," Rep. Alan B. Mollohan (W.Va.), the panel's top Democrat, said in an interview after a 5 to 5 vote that stalemated action. "An ethics committee has to do a good job if it's going to do any job at all."

Duh.

Poker Night Thursday

2005-03-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

Down $3 this evening which is what I should have been on Monday. I did catch better cards tonight but momentary lapses in concentration and play will cause small wins to turn into small losses. If you do play tight it is all the more important to maximize the money taken in hands where you are strong. Conversely, it is just as important to know when to drop when in hands that get expensive where you're on a long shot draw to something that may not even be the nuts.

To wit;

When you have A-5o (a hand I wouldn't normally play in the first place to avoid the very scenario below) and the flop pairs your ace with a combination of low cards, there's a good chance that anyone who remains with an Ace will have a better kicker, so you're way behind in the hand no matter how you slice it. Best to drop it unless you have a straight draw (which I did) in which case calling is fine, unless you do so on the river when your straight did not hit and you're left with top pair and crappy kicker. In this hand I was third best losing out the SC who wound up making his first of back to back sets of fours and JL's A-Q.
When you have K-K and the flop gives you a set coupled with a possible flush draw, you MUST raise, re-raise and continue betting on the turn and river. Minimally you must make the flush drawer pay to see his cards while creating a bigger pot if your set holds up or the board pairs and boats you. In this instance I played the flop correctly, raising then re-raising when someone raised behind me, but checked on the turn (huge mistake) allowing JL to get a free shot at what I assumed was a flush draw. When the flush draw was complete on the river I checked as well, which ended up costing me a potential $8.

That said, being more or less even at the end of the evening, even after taking two pretty bad beats (A-J going down to A-5 when the latter makes two pair on the turn or the same card completing my straight while it flushes someone else).

Apparently I was a wet blanket on the evenings festivities, as the fireworks from the previous Thursday did not materialize this week. I am proud to be the luke warm water that flows around the table, slowing down the mob mentality's collective hysteria. In the end, the success or failure of an evening of poker resides soley on the shoulders of the host, who must encourage loose play in order for there to be fun. If he would play in a few more hands, or any hands for that matter, perhaps more fun would be had by all.

Budget fun

2005-03-09T13:18:00.002-05:00

Numbed to the Numbers

"With programs such as health care for the poor and food stamps on the chopping block, with deficits piling up year after year, it's a skewed, reckless move to extend tax cuts that primarily benefit the wealthiest Americans."

Redistricting Rampage

2005-03-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

What happens when the majority goes awry

Confining redistricting to census years only makes sense.

What are they thinking department

2005-03-08T11:54:00.000-05:00

New US ambassador to United Nations named

Is John Bolton the right man to lead this effort? Having served as assistant secretary of state for international organization affairs from 1989 to 1993, Bolton may be deemed qualified, but his record on multilateral issues is alarming. He told the Wall Street Journal that "the happiest moment of his government service" was when the Bush administration renounced the treaty on the International Criminal Court. Bolton led the administration's withdrawal from the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, scuttled an important biological weapons protocol and weakened an international agreement to limit small-arms trafficking. On these issues, Bolton's positions at least reflected administration policy.

But Bolton holds many strong views that diverge sharply from current U.S. policy. He described the United Nations as "a great, rusting hulk of a bureaucratic superstructure . . . dealing with issues from the ridiculous to the sublime . . . ." More important, he maintains that the United States has no legal obligation to pay its U.N. dues.

Once a paid consultant to the Taiwanese government, Bolton favors Taiwan's independence and its full U.N. membership -- a dangerous position in light of cross-straits tensions and our efforts to obtain Chinese pressure on North Korea. Will Bolton set aside his support for a Taiwanese U.N. seat while manning the U.S. seat on the Security Council?

Finally, Bolton criticized any " 'right of humanitarian intervention' to justify military operations to prevent ethnic cleansing or potential genocide." One must wonder how forcefully he will work to halt what the administration deems genocide in Darfur.

Sounds like the right guy for the job. Why don't they appoint an oil executive to head up Alaska conservation?

Monday Night Poker

2005-03-08T06:08:00.000-05:00

Well that which goes up must come down. After a nice five week run I became impatient and sloppy last night and dropped $55 at the table. There were still positives to be taken from it but in the end the bankroll suffered. The proportion of winning hands to losing hands was almost exactly reversed from the previous week. On the plus side, even with the reversal, I only lost half as much as I'd won with the reversed ratio so I was taking in larger pots when I won than when I lost.

There were a few hands which hurt my bankroll significantly. I didn't play any more hands than I normally do, but was more obstinate about staying in when hands that I did have failed to hit. I then kept throwing money in, hoping to get that one card that would make my hand, almost always dumb. I also stayed around with high cards when the flop was clearly not in my favor. I can only surmise that I was on tilt from the previous week and expected to continue with the same run, no matter what the circumstances. Had I played smarter I probably could have finished even. The cards were not hitting for me, and of the few pots I did take down I had to bluff at most to get people out of them, one of the benefits of having a rep as a tight player at the table I guess. We'll have to see what the next round holds.

Tax Cuts Lose Spot On GOP Agenda

2005-03-07T15:50:00.000-05:00

You suppose they're finally getting it?

It's amazing what happens when more money goes out than comes in. You may even have to put aside your rhetoric because some things just don't make sense. Kudos to those GOP lawmakers who aren't so blinded to fiscal reality.

'Nuking' Free Speech

2005-03-07T15:10:00.000-05:00

Interesting editorial by Senator Byrd

President Bush has renominated 20 men and women to the federal bench, seven of whom the Senate rejected last year. To force a vote on these nominees, some senators are hoping to launch a parliamentary weapon aimed at the heart of open and extended debate. By a simple majority vote, a Senate filibuster on judicial appointments would be "nuked" for all time.

It starts with shutting off debate on judges, but it won't end there. This nuclear option could rob a senator of the right to speak out against an overreaching executive branch or a wrongheaded policy. It could destroy the Senate's very essence -- the constitutional privilege of free speech and debate.

Senate Democratic Leader Blasts Greenspan

2005-03-07T15:06:00.000-05:00

It's about time

He okayed Bush's tax cuts for the rich, then bemoans the deficit and figures that cuts in social programs is the best way to take care of it. Hello?

Bankruptcy Slavery Bill

2005-03-07T14:06:00.000-05:00

If you're in Connecticut or and area with a Democratic Senator you can use this form to send a letter to your Senator about this issue.

Credit Card Firms Won as Users Lost

2005-03-07T14:03:00.000-05:00

Poor Providian, whatever will they do?

According to papers in her recent bankruptcy, McCarthy discovered at about the time of her husband's death in 2003 that the couple had a $4,888 balance on a Providian Financial Corp. Visa card and another $2,020 balance on a Providian Mastercard.

Over the two years from 2002 until early 2004, when she filed for bankruptcy, McCarthy charged an additional $218 on the first card and made more than $3,000 in payments, the court papers show. But instead of her balance going down, finance charges — at what the bankruptcy judge termed a "whopping" 29.99% rate, together with late fees, over-limit fees and phone payments fees — pushed what she owed up to more than $5,350.

In the case of the second card, the papers show that McCarthy charged an extra $203 and made more than $2,000 in payments, but again fees and finance charges pushed the balance up.

In Cleveland, a municipal court judge tossed out a case that Discover Bank brought against one of its cardholders after examining the woman's credit card bill.

According to court papers, Ruth M. Owens, a 53-year-old disabled woman, paid the company $3,492 over six years on a $1,963 debt only to find that late fees and finance charges had more than doubled the size of her remaining balance to $5,564.

When the firm took her to court to collect, she wrote the judge a note saying, "I would like to inform you that I have no money to make payments. I am on Social Security Disability…. If my situation was different I would pay. I just don't have it. I'm sorry."

Judge Robert Triozzi ruled that Owens didn't have to pay, saying she had "clearly been the victim of [Discover's] unreasonable, unconscionable and unjust business practices."

I'm afraid these credit card companies will go under if we don't control this riff-raff.

Ownership Society translated

2005-03-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

Bush's Own Goal

A new Bush campaign ad pushes the theme of an "ownership society," and concludes with President Bush declaring, "I understand if you own something, you have a vital stake in the future of America."

Call me naïve, but I thought all Americans have a vital stake in the nation's future, regardless of how much property they own. (Should we go back to the days when states, arguing that only men of sufficient substance could be trusted, imposed property qualifications for voting?) Even if Mr. Bush is talking only about the economic future, don't workers have as much stake as property owners in the economy's success?

But there's a political imperative behind the "ownership society" theme: the need to provide pseudopopulist cover to policies that are, in reality, highly elitist. The Bush tax cuts have, of course, heavily favored the very, very well off. But they have also, more specifically, favored unearned income over earned income - or, if you prefer, investment returns over wages. Last year Daniel Altman pointed out in The New York Times that Mr. Bush's proposals, if fully adopted, "could eliminate almost all taxes on investment income and wealth for almost all Americans." Mr. Bush hasn't yet gotten all he wants, but he has taken a large step toward a system in which only labor income is taxed.

The political problem with a policy favoring investment returns over wages is that a vast majority of Americans derive their income primarily from wages, and that the bulk of investment income goes to a small elite. How, then, can such a policy be sold? By promising that everyone can join the elite.

Right now, the ownership of stocks and bonds is highly concentrated. Conservatives like to point out that a majority of American families now own stock, but that's a misleading statistic because most of those "investors" have only a small stake in the market. The Congressional Budget Office estimates that more than half of corporate profits ultimately accrue to the wealthiest 1 percent of taxpayers, while only about 8 percent go to the bottom 60 percent. If the "ownership society" means anything, it means spreading investment income more widely - a laudable goal, if achievable.

But does Mr. Bush have a way to get us there? There's a section on his campaign blog about the ownership society, but it's short on specifics. Much of the space is devoted to new types of tax-sheltered savings accounts. People who have looked into plans for such accounts know, however, that they would provide more tax shelters for the wealthy, but would be irrelevant to most families, who already have access
to 401(k)'s. Their ability to invest more is limited not by taxes but by the fact that they aren't earning enough to save more.

The one seemingly substantive proposal is a blast from the past: a renewed call for the partial privatization of Social Security, which would divert payroll taxes into personal accounts. Mr. Bush campaigned on that issue in 2000, but he never acted on it. And there was a reason the idea went nowhere: it didn't make sense.

Social Security is, basically, a system in which each generation pays for the previous generation's retirement. If the payroll taxes of younger workers are diverted into private accounts, there will be a gaping financial hole: who will pay benefits to older Americans, who have spent their working lives paying into the current system? Unless you have a way to fill that multitrillion-dollar hole, privatization is an empty slogan, not a real proposal.

In 2001, Mr. Bush's handpicked commission on Social Security was unable to agree on a plan to create private accounts because there was no way to make the arithmetic work. Undaunted, this year the Bush campaign once again insists that privatization will lead to a "permanently strengthened Social Security system, without changing benefits for those now in or near retirement, and without raising payroll taxes on workers." In other words, 2 - 1 = 4.

Four years ago, Mr. Bush got a free pass from the press on his Social Security "plan," either because reporters didn't understand the arithmetic, or because they assumed that after the election he would come up with a plan that actually added up. Will the same thing happen again? Let's hope not.

As Mr. Bush has said: "Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - can't get fooled again."

Boring Poker

2005-03-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

Thursday Night Poker contains an interesting passage which asks why people play poker at low-stakes home games. It can't be to amass wealth or provide a secondary income, since usually the swings up or down are under $100. So what are the elements that make for a fun evening?

The response to that question will be different for every person that answers it. I can only speak for myself of course and have to surmise what others get out of it, and they must get something since people tend to come back and play (when they've been invited).

I like winning. Winning is good. Winning is always better than losing. Always. I like to do things that increase my odds of winning. Not just in poker but in anything I'm going to do. If you're going to keep score, why would you not try your best to do well? Golf, tennis, hockey, games, the principle applies the same in each case. And if I can't win then I like to end an evening knowing I've played well. Does that mean that I've won a lot of money? It can on occasion, although if it's because I've just caught cards and rivered people all over the place with reckless play, it's not as satisfying for me. I know that's the opposite of what some people think but on the occasions where that has happened (let's say pocket fives becomes a boat on the river, beating out what had been top pair the whole hand and a flush on the river) I can enjoy raking the chips into my tray but I realize that I probably had no business being in that hand and that if it played out again ten times, heck, a HUNDRED times, it will happen again once or twice if I'm lucky. In other words, I know in the back of my head I played the hand wrong and have stolen money that probably should have resided in someone else's tray. Playing that way will eventually lead me to lose money and in the long run a lot of money if I'm not careful. And as much as poker is an enjoyable social exercise, capping it off by going home with more cash than what you showed up with makes the evening far more enjoyable.

Some cannot understand that. Playing tight is 'boring'. Now why they would care how someone else plays I have no idea, since it doesn't affect them in the least, but that's another discussion. For them the excitement is the feeling of being in a hand that they have no business being in and catching that miracle card, the bigger the longshot the better, and raking in a big pot that someone with the better hand the whole time was busy pumping up. For them the emotional high of being way up or way down is far more intoxicating than the monotony of folding hand after hand because they're not getting pocket Aces. There is some pleasure taken in 'irking' other people at the table because of the good luck you've received (or the bad luck they've received, depending on how you look at it). You're hoping that luck will catch them out while you have something good.

Insomuch as they can't understand the appeal of playing tight (boring), I think of it as quite the opposite. What fun is it to play every hand, throwing money around willynilly with any two cards, from any position without any thought process? I would think that if you've made up your mind to do that you can certainly put your brain on neutral and coast. That's boring. Play any two cards and eventually you'll hit something that will pay you. It may even pay big. In the meantime you can bemoan how 'lucky' other people are getting when it seems like they keep catching flop after flop, not realising that they're probably playing a fraction of the hands you are.

Poker is one long session. It begins the first time you sit down at a table and ends when someone is delivering the eulogy. Keeping that in mind helps get you through those evenings when nothing comes and you've dropped $80 and helps keep you from getting too full of yourself when you've won $80. I've grown to enjoy the nuances that take place in the game, much of that comes from the cast that participates each week, bringing a different personality and style to the table. I don't think I'd have the same appreciation for those nuances if I played an 'exciting' game. I certainly wouldn't need hour long post-mortems in my office with KK if all I had to contribute was, "Yeah, I played any two cards. I don't know what happened, but they hit and I won." Playing with discipline requires patience and thought, more like chess than the lottery. With rare exceptions I won't be the big winner at the table, but the corollary to that statement is that I've rarely left the table leaving my entire bankroll in other's hands. And when I look at the spreadsheet and see black, and lots of it, I know I've had an exciting time.

Closer to the truth than it should be department

2005-03-02T07:59:00.000-05:00

Thank God they're there to tell it like it is.

"The scorched-earth battle over the future of Social Security got a little nastier today with the release of a new television ad in which the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth attacked the Vietnam War record of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).

The Swift Boat Veterans, dormant in the months following the 2004 election, called their anti-AARP ad 'our finest work to date.'

In the controversial commercial, a swift boat veteran named Davis Debrew claims to have served on the same swift boat as the AARP during the Vietnam War.

'While the rest of us were in the front of the boat shooting at the Vietcong, the AARP was in the back of the boat talking about how to bankrupt Social Security,' Mr. Debrew says.

But within hours of the commercial's first airing, the AARP disputed Mr. Debrew's claims, arguing that there was no way a retirees' organization numbering 35 million members could ever have fit on a craft as small and light as a swift boat.

The ad was released just as a new study from the Brookings Institution found that the money spent on anti-AARP ads, if invested in Social Security instead, could keep the program solvent until the year 2200.

In response to the Brookings study, swift boat veteran Debrew said, 'I served on the same boat as the Brookings Institution, and when it came time to shoot at the Vietcong, they were no help at all.'

Elsewhere, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein blasted U.S. officials for arresting his half-brother but offered them the name and address of his mother-in-law. "

Source: The Borowitz Report

Best ignore this since we've got that whole Social Security crisis to deal with

2005-03-01T23:18:00.000-05:00

Health care tab ready to explode

Let's see; bin Laden attacks the US, invade Iraq. North Korea has nukes, threaten Iran. Healthcare system approaching a shambles, look to tackle Social Security.

Perhaps Bush just has a short attention span.

The nation's tab for health care — already the highest per person in the industrialized world — could hit $3.6 trillion by 2014, or nearly 19% of the entire U.S. economy, up from 15.4% now, a sobering government projection says.

By 2014, the nation's spending for health care will equal $11,045 for every man, woman and child, up from $6,423 each this year, says the report released Wednesday by the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services. Those numbers are not adjusted for inflation.

While the growth of health insurance premiums will continue to slow, the annual increases will still exceed growth in workers' disposable income. More could become uninsured as a result.

Tom Ridge joins Home Depot board

2005-03-01T22:54:00.000-05:00

At first I couldn't see the connection, but then...

Ridge is quite familiar with home-improvement projects. He was instrumental in a short-lived run on duct tape in early 2003, when he encouraged Americans to turn to the sticky substance and plastic sheeting as protection against terrorists using chemical and/or biological agents.

Bankruptcy Bill considered

2005-03-01T15:01:00.000-05:00

Cut and dried case of people milking the system? Not so fast.

Listen to Elizabeth Warren, a Harvard law professor and one of the most learned and powerful critics of the bill. Testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee in early February, Warren argued that the proposal "assumes that everyone is in bankruptcy for the same reason -- too much unnecessary spending."

"What does that mean in practice? "A family driven to bankruptcy by the increased costs of caring for an elderly parent with Alzheimer's disease is treated the same as someone who maxed out his credit cards at a casino," Warren said. "A person who had a heart attack is treated the same as someone who had a spending spree at the shopping mall. A mother who works two jobs and who cannot manage the prescription drugs needed for a child with diabetes is treated the same as someone who charged a bunch of credit cards with only a vague intent to repay."

Consider the double whammy that this Congress could end up imposing. At a moment when the president is proposing cuts in Medicaid and when many Americans are losing part or all of their health insurance coverage, citizens who fall into medical-financial hell are being told it will be much harder for them to win relief from bankruptcy judges.

U.S. Must Charge Padilla With Crime or Release Him

2005-03-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

Why don't they just charge him?

"A federal judge in South Carolina ruled yesterday that the Bush administration lacks statutory and constitutional authority to indefinitely imprison without criminal charges a U.S. citizen who was designated an "enemy combatant."...

"The decision yesterday, which the government has vowed to appeal, was the shoe that dropped again. One of Padilla's attorneys, Donna Newman, said the "court ruled that the president does not have the power to seize an American citizen on American soil and hold him indefinitely without a charge. That shouldn't be big news, but it is. . . . It confirms our belief that the Constitution is alive and well and kicking. The system works."

Things I learned last night

2005-03-01T10:43:00.000-05:00

1. I love my car. Driving home in last night's snow storm with many of the backroads unplowed, I had absolutely no problem getting around. Even up the steep incline of my unplowed driveway, I rode into my garage like I was on dry pavement. Beautiful.

2. I'm glad I have a garage.

3. When you are winning, poker is about playing decent cards, paying attention to your position at the table and who is in the hand with you and playing the odds. When you're playing any two cards and losing it's all about luck.

4. One man's cursed piece of plastic is another man's road to multiple boats.

5. A set of nines beats top pair. A-K beats A-Q. And I owe MS an apology, I actually did clear over $100. I miscounted and I hope he forgives me & still loves me.

6. A small pocket pair will lose to a bigger pocket pair, especially if the bigger pocket pair becomes a set. Learn to dump it.

7. Keeping track of hands played puts everything in perspective.

8. I've been lucky for five consecutive weeks.

9. Dan Harrington is a genius, even if his hat looks funny.

10. Not knowing where you are, what your cards are, who's betting, what the bet was , whether you've called or raised or what the chips are worth does not preclude you from winning.

Ummmm...no.

2005-02-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

Good news for TV sci-fi fans

2005-02-28T13:02:00.000-05:00

Galactica returns this summer

The Sci-Fi channel has picked up the series for another 20 episodes. This is pretty much the only television show that I follow on a regular basis (by that I mean I Tivo every episode and actually make a point to sit down and watch it). There's slim pickin's on TV but this show is a nice exception.

News Item...

2005-02-28T10:28:00.000-05:00

God looks to screw up my golf game

Can't happen here department

2005-02-26T10:22:00.000-05:00

Patriot Act in action

Innocent McGill graduate imprisoned, tortured in Syria.

Canadian official: "accidents will happen".

AARP: Concerned senior citizens or left-wing, homosexual, anti-troop lunatic fringe?

2005-02-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

You Decide

The Slimeboats for Truth are at it again. Who were the numbskulls who paid attention to them last time?

They don't get it

2005-02-26T10:04:00.000-05:00

America Needs a Voice Abroad

"When President Bush visited Canada shortly after his reelection, thousands protested on the streets of Ottawa. In mocking reference to the fate of Saddam Hussein a year earlier, a statue-sized effigy of the president was hoisted to a rostrum above the crowd and then pulled down to loud cheers. That such things should occur in the capital of a friendly neighbor, echoing similar demonstration in capitals around the world, reveals how deep-seated anti-Americanism has come to be.

Obviously the United States will not and should not shape its policies to suit the preferences of other nations and peoples. But it can and should explain those policies directly and openly in ways calculated to promote better and more widespread appreciation of why we do what we do. "

Unfortunately the policies speak for themselves. Having an agency try to sugarcoat them won't make a difference to people in countries where they don't get all their information from Fox News.

Kan. Official Demands Abortion Records

2005-02-25T09:38:00.000-05:00

Bets on how long it will take before the records are 'leaked' to the Press?